Stages of Intimate Ravagement
by
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Journal Entry
What gets me in my darkest hour is that I will probably die this year. When I am more positive I think that I will just lose a breast and have to go through chemo, but death looms on the outer edges of my mind. I never felt I would live past fifty or even make it to fifty and that plays on my mind. I have a strong physical pull towards the ocean now and I have always wanted my ashes in the ocean, so that feeling haunts me as well. My husband needs to form better relationships with his children and I have done a good job of that so I wonder; Do I need to die to facilitate that? It is frustrating to think so much, to run scenarios through your mind endlessly. Most of my life I have felt depravation and since Kevin sold his business some of that has gone, yet I have had major health issues for the last five years. I never seem to have all the good at once or maybe I'm too pragmatic to see it that way.
Will I live to see this gorgeous beach again? I hate today; twenty-four hours before the axe falls. It feels like waiting for the guillotine. Am I going to die now to show my husband what is really important in life? It hasn't worked for past generations of both our families. I don't think my husband will ignore his children purposely but will he shut down, and do it unconsciously?
Tomorrow: my day of reckoning. It is like contemplating never feeling the sun on my face again, all the lights being turned off, and the sound of the waves gone. I am writing to vent but it is making me depressed, and causing me to cry. I have to stop to gather myself for the long, lonely drive home.
Journal Entry
My mind no longer finds solace in the quiet, alone moments that I used to enjoy. Now it races, seeking something important to do.
I have lost my enjoyment of solitude along with my breast. I do mundane things to be active; laundry, dog fluffies, dirty dishes, and sorting tasks are all I have now, and they are quickly becoming the bane of my existence. I am frustrated and angry that I am left with only inertia and my thoughts and fears.
My main concern is no longer seeking my next A but seeking to live. My main preoccupation is not the next subject I need to study; it is my ongoing study of breast cancer. I read about metastasis not social problems, tumour size not statistics. Instead of learning how to form a good argument, I am learning how not to lose my mind, while I wait in limbo for the next test, my chemo to start, and for the worst to be behind me, and my life hopefully still in front of me.
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About the Book
Stages of Intimate Ravagement is a personalized account of a horrific journey written by an ordinary person. Readers can feel the raw, real, emotional, truthful, sad, and inspiring words. The author is angry and not hiding it. She describes hurting family members because they were the nearest persons in the room when she was angry, and how she kicked and screamed her way through some of the worst days of her life. Many people can benefit from reading this book because there is nothing false - the author writes what she feels; anger, fear, sadness, depression and you will be able to relate to her feelings and thoughts on some level; either through your own related experience or through the related experiences of your friends or relatives. This story is not just about pain and fear but it is also about survival. It is about finding treasured moments during extremely stressful times, and it is a source of inspiration for anyone going through breast cancer or any other life altering experience.
About the Author
Ingrid Awalt (Wilson) grew up in Clementsport, Nova Scotia, Canada and currently lives in Dartmouth, NS. She is married and has two grown children; a son, living in Dartmouth, and a daughter living in Calgary, Alberta. Ms. Awalt was, and currently is, a full time student at St. Mary's University in Halifax, NS, working towards an undergraduate degree in Sociology. In addition to university Ms. Awalt was a volunteer in Palliative Care at the Queen Elizabeth II Health Sciences Centre, Victoria General site, Halifax, NS. She was scheduled to graduate in May 2007, however, her studies were interupted when breast cancer was discovered in May of 2006. During the course of surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiation Ms. Awalt wrote poetry to help alleviate some of her anxiety and also kept a journal of what was happening to her. Those poems and the journal became the basis for this book. She hopes to complete her degree in 2008 and then begin to write full time.