¿CUÁNTAS PÍSCAS?

It has been my experience that success is better defined by others. I guess I never saw myself as being very successful. Yes, I accomplished several goals and perhaps, and in some circles, I obtained some recognition. However, I never saw myself doing anything unique. In fact, I often felt embarrassed when I received accolades. I felt that others were more deserving or that I was just doing my job. Many times, I felt that I was just plain lucky.

            Growing up, I did not find it easy living in West Texas. My only models were my family and the Latino friends that my family had. There were no Latino educators, police officers, or elected officials, and there were few businessmen. As I became an adult, my perception of life was formed as I survived in the world of the Anglo and struggled to assimilate in their not-so-friendly dominant culture. My adult life began in West Texas, which at that time was not known for providing a friendly atmosphere to those not belonging to the majority community.

            In my earlier years, and while working in the cotton fields, I was provided ample opportunity to daydream and to process feelings associated with the struggle to blend into the Anglo culture while feeling guilty for attempting to abandon my Mexican roots. I would daydream about being successful working at a job that would afford me the opportunity to help people. Still, I struggled with my insecure feelings that I could not compete against the majority who were Anglo. Not only the socialization provided in school, but my own family and Mexican culture seemed to impress upon me that what was Anglo was not only good, but superior. For example, when a white-complexioned latino child was born, people would say, “How pretty. He/she looks like a bolillo (Anglo).”

            During my elementary years, other kids made fun of me for eating Mexican food, so my mother attempted to cut our tortillas into squares to make them look like bread. In the West Texas schools, we were punished for speaking in Spanish. The adult educators would tell us that it was for our own good to learn English as quickly as possible so we could be successful in school. But I sensed that many times they objected to our talking in Spanish because they felt that we were talking about them. Also, the teachers communicated to me that, somehow, my language was inferior.

            On television, the Walt Disney Davy Crockett series also made it a little confusing for young Mexican-Americans. In the last scene of the Alamo segment, we saw Davy Crocket killing all of these mean Mexicans who didn’t seem to even know how to fight. And of course, there was the Frito Bandido. This gun –toting cartoon character projected a negative image of a Latino. The Frito Company thought this was an amusing way to sell their product.  It wasn’t hard for a young person to believe that everything associated with being Mexican was bad!

            I gained a great deal of knowledge and wisdom from my work opportunities. I always enjoyed the social worker jobs. My training helped me attain some success in helping families turn their lives around. In my personal life, however, I made many foolish mistakes. I had opportunities to learn valuable lessons, but many times I chose not to.

            I made decisions that caused my loved ones and me a great deal of pain. I was aware that I was making foolish choices, but I did not have the self-discipline to not make them. It seemed that my desire to accumulate wealth and become respected fanned the flames of ambition and false pride. I used my insecurities to compensate for the fact that I was not well grounded for success.