Puttin' on my Big Girl Panties

When I got back to my room, I laid out my cloths, a nice tight black pair of jeans with a white shell, black ankle boots and a long sleeve fire-engine-red hip length jacket (I had to give myself a cat call whistle in this outfit). 

I showered, shaved and stood there, dripping wet.  Breathed in and slowly exhaled, linked my fingers together and cupped them on the top of my head and judged my body in the full length mirror.  I grabbed the body cream and massaged every ounce of my royal dipped cellulite thighs, I continued with the butt, belly and boobs.  I double dipped the body cream again and reached around to my lower back and as best I could, worked my hands higher and higher contorting my body so I was able to watch every stroke.  It was as if I was leisurely making love to my own two-hundred-seventeen-pound-body.

It was at that moment when I realized what I was doing.  I was accepting myself again, getting back to loving Renee unconditionally.  Yeah yeah, there were things I needed to do and change and correct.  But there was now a constant that would forever remain, this was non-negotiable.  I knew from that moment forward that I would never again give someone the freedom to alter my own opinion of me.  That could only happen if I handed the control to someone.  And yes, I relinquished that to Robert, he took nothing from me.  Live and learn; you cannot blame someone else for taking what only you can give. 

I took my time and carefully applied my makeup to both sides of my face, oh the simple pleasures.  I pressed my tongue against the inside of my cheeks to make sure they responded the same.  To perfection, I carefully lined my eyelids and applied mascara to my lashes. Now there were no tears or drool for that matter, no wipes between applications.  As suddenly as the twitching and tingling began it was now gone, I hadn’t realized that until this moment.  I could lift both eyebrows without my hands.  Finally, I completed the task as if for the first time.  I fully examined my face from hair line to chin, ear to ear.  Smiled, frowned and laughed but stopped short of crying, as not to smear this freshly applied work of art. 

As I walked out the door and made one final overview, there was obviously something missing.  I laughed out loud.  It had been so long since I had worn lipstick.  Mid-night Red which was an ideal match with my jacket!  Applied to perfection, outlined in a soft sable brown, the look was complete.

Just before I left the room I saw my eye patch and I walked over to the night stand and pick it up.  My first thought was to toss it in the trash when I reconsidered, ‘No, this was a keepsake!’  Folding it very neatly inside one of the many scarves to which I had become accustomed, I placed it inside my suitcase knowing it would always be a commemoration of the most powerful lesson I’ve learned thus far.  Get over it, it was time!  I had put my big-girl panties back on!  I would be just fine.