So Pretty…. So Many Tears

About the Book

This book was written out of the feelings and some of the most

sadness out of the depths of my heart and soul. It contains feelings

from different times and many events of my life. So Pretty, So

Many Tears has poems from many different emotions I have felt

throughout my life. Some of the poems that are written in this book

were written when I was 16 years old, although I have been writing

since I was much younger, when I had already been physically and

emotionally abused! Then I lost "The Love Of My Life." I fell in

love with Tony when I was 12 years old. We got together when I

was 16 and then we separated for a few years because of my family.

We got back together when I turned 24 and he was 25 years old. A

couple of days before he turned 27 years old, he passed away; yes,

I lost my love, I lost my life, hence I lost my mind. When I finally

gave my whole self to him and finally stopped worrying about what

my family felt about him. Ever since then I have been truly going through years of so much denial of

his death, self conviction and guilt over what happened and how it happened. I sank into the "Abyss

of my empty soul," and I didn't want to be found because I knew deep inside if I found myself deep

within my secretly wounded heart, I would realize and find out that I lost the only love I had ever had.

He was my only friend and I knew that I would lose my mind if I ever lost him. There was no way

that I wanted to live in this ugly world without him by my side, and I had told him that I would never

be afraid of anything not even the end of the world, so long as he was there by my side even when

the end of the world was occurring. I have been abused most of my life, first by my mother, then by

my older brother, then later on when I got married to someone else other than my true love; I went

through some inner hell tortures as well as physical tortures, with my husband always on drugs, such

as heroine, crystal meth, and crack cocaine; when I didn't even know what all that stuff was or what

it did to someone. Anyhow, the book contains all of my dreadful, melancholic, horrific details of just

how much I had lost my mind. For I truly did lose my mind when Tony left my world. The only thing

I had to stay alive for was my children that I already had and when "The One I Loved" left my world,

I went insane but I didn't even know it, and neither did anyone else for that matter. I really didn't

know how to handle living life without Tony. I needed to learn how to live again not only for myself

but for my children, and the book does indeed hold the deepest fears, tears, and loves in my life. The

book contains so many feelings tears and love and as one person put it, "So Pretty So Many Tears"

when the tears wouldn't stop and how I couldn't stop thinking of and wanting to die! Like I said, I

actually really lost my mind. There are many different poems in this book; some are regarding abuse,

death, love, reincarnation and even living with physical pain as I do now and have been ever since the

year of 2001; it seems as if once the denial stopped and the admission of Tony being dead occurred,

the pain and suffering I had secretly been feeling in my heart and my soul, suddenly spurted out of

me and showed and was now felt physically. For the secret I was holding within me was the secret

I withheld even from my own self and that was that Tony was dead. I was full of secrets all of my

life, first I held the secret from my family the love I had for Tony; he was my secret love. Then, I

held the biggest secret from myself; the death of Tony's body but not the death of my love for him.

There are also some poems from my granddaughter Vanessa Espitia and from two of my daughters,

Desiree Grace and Princess Anna, both of whom I encourage to write all their thoughts and feelings

from their heart, if that is what they want to do. Most of my 12 children are blessed with the talents

of writing and art; along with some of my grandchildren.

So Pretty

About the Author

My name is Rose Portillo. I am the mother of 12 children, nine daughters, three sons with now 22 grandchildren. I was born in El Paso, Texas on December 25, 1959. I have five brothers. I grew up in East Los Angeles in the Maravilla Projects. My father was a writer and an artist who became a Technical Illustrator for the Northrop Company in the mid 60s. My father, Albert Portillo, was the main person that inspired my love for writing! I began writing when I was very young and wrote a children's story for a company when I was 19.

I grew up in a very controlled and restricted life with five brothers and my parents. My parents were both born here in the United States. My maternal grandfather was from Spain. My paternal grandfather was from France and Mexico. My paternal grandmother was a Native American Apache Indian from Arizona. My maternal grandmother was a Mexican American Indian. I lived in the city of El Monte and attended Mountain View High School. In East Los Angeles, in the sixth grade I wrote, directed, produced and put on two plays for the whole school. At the age of 9 or so, I also played a part on an old television program called Wonderama, which put on a section of it called, "Let's Be Friends." I learned how to read and write when I was four years old. I began reading the bible (not the children's version like they have nowadays) at the age of five. I began writing poems when I was very young. When I was five years old, I began dancing Ballet Folklorico and Flamenco. I became a Professional Flamenco/Ballet Folklorico Dancer in the year of 1976, when I was 16. I formed a dance group in 1995 and then I became injured with a spinal, nerve injury that has me living in daily pain now. I suffer from Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis, as well as other painful conditions that somewhat limit my life. Besides my love for writing, I had a Medical/Legal Transcription Business at the age of 29, was a Paralegal and Medical Assistant in my life at the age of 20 years and 25 years. I remained a dancer until I became ill with the Fibromyalgia and Degenerative Disc Disease, which includes seven disc protrusions and injuries to my spine, but I am always trying to show my children that no matter what happens in your life, nothing should stop you from reaching your dreams, no matter what your dreams may be! So don't ever believe anyone if they say you cannot, because there is no such word to me, because you can!.