Weighing Life

     “I watched the paramedics cut the rope as my sister’s body fell limp into their arms.  As they removed the noose around her neck, I broke down…this was so surreal and at the same time too familiar.”

     These are the words I heard three months ago that will stay with me forever.  The day started out stressful.  I hadn’t heard from Matt in forty-four hours.  I cried.  I was angry.  I was puzzled.  I experienced every possible emotion, and then I cried some more.  Forty-four hours and thirteen minutes…I didn’t hear from him.  I’ll call him…no, I won’t…I can’t call him…I’m not desperate… I just missed him.  Every second I thought about him; what he was doing, why he didn’t call, what I did.  What did I do?  Did I bore him?

     Savannah said if he didn’t call by the next day, I should just call him.  I couldn’t do that.  Michelle said to just ride it out; we had something together and he’d eventually call.  Amanda said she was sorry and invited me to dinner, an invitation I declined because I had to guard the phone.  Abby told me to move on and then rambled about how lucky she is to have Mitchell.  Becky reminded me that Matt was a good guy and wouldn’t do anything intentional to hurt me.  My friends have always been there for me, yet at this moment I felt selfish.  I just wanted to see Matt, hear his voice and know what he was thinking. 

     I grabbed a book, read eight pages, but realized I had no idea what I had read.  I played fetch with Bud for a few minutes until he got bored with me.  The key to Bud’s heart is tucked away in the treat jar, so I was able to quickly recapture his attention. 

     After a long day, I drew a warm bath to relax and forget about Matt.  I decided it was crucial to get my mind off this man.  Forty-six hours and eighteen minutes…he had left me hanging.  Those hours would soon become weeks, months, and years.  Eventually, I would get over him.  I had my heart broken several times in the past.  What was I thinking?  Did I think this would be any different? 

     Just as I got ready to sink into a hot tub, the phone rang.  I ran 65 mph only to sit down and let it ring three more times so it didn’t seem as though I was putting my life on hold.  Obviously, I needed caller ID on my bedroom phone. 

     I answered it and casually said, “Hello.”

     “Haley, I need you to go to the doctor with me tomorrow at 9:15am.  I made the appointment three weeks ago.  I forgot to tell you.  Can you clear your schedule?  Oh that’s right, you don’t have a schedule.  You’re out of school for the summer.  Hello?”

     “Mom, you’re calling me at 10:30pm to go to a doctor’s appointment that you made three weeks ago.  You could have at least told me.  That’s fine.  I’ll be there by before nine o’clock.”

     “And then afterwards, I thought we could go look at carpet.”

     “We’ll see mom.  I’m getting in the bath.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

     “Oh, and stop and get me some coffee on the way.  I ran out of coffee filters.”

     “Okay, bye mom.”

     Not only was I angry, I also didn’t have Matt there to lighten my mood.  My plans of sitting at home sulking the following day were cancelled yet again, by my overbearing, dependent mother.