Meth Survivor-Jennifer's Story

 I continued to use the needle, spiraling downhill. Now that my husband was gone, I became the driver for the trips to Atlanta. This opened a big door to hell for me. I had cash given to me for the drive and plenty of dope. I think back now and realize, if  we would've gotten stopped by the police and searched, the guys with me would've never claimed the dope. They would've either said it was mine or they didn't know who it belonged to, leaving me, the driver & owner of the car to blame. My mind was so clouded by chemicals, the thought never even entered my mind.

I became a very violent person somewhere along the line. I was arrested for fighting a couple of times. My mother & brother signed papers to have me put in a hospital. They saw the needle tracks on my arms & the chemical look in my eyes. It didn't help. It only made me want more dope & become more violent. Doing more harm to myself than anyone else.

I recall staying very depressed & very angry.  All I thought about was getting more dope & when would I get my next fix. I began ripping people off for their money. Lying to people, telling them I'd get them dope if they gave me the money& then never returning with their dope or money.

I remember during all this mess, seeing my mother out on the road in the middle of the night, and thinking to myself  "what in the hell is she doing out at this time of night?"  Well, a mother who loves her daughter very much was, of course, out searching for me. Spending sleepless nights looking for the daughter she feared would die.

I met Butch somewhere along the line. He became my lifeline to sanity. He knew just how bad I was & at first he didn't want me around. I refused to go when he told me to. He put me in my place a few times reminding me that life didn't have to be the way I was living it. I would go to his house when I was down, needing rest and comfort. I would sleep for days at a time. He only woke me to give my medicine & make sure I ate. When I would wake up from the long sleeps, I remember telling him I had to go to the store & would see him later. I would stay gone 2 or 3 weeks doing dope, then return again for rest. Somehow, he grew to love the girl underneath the monster I had become. My mom would call him sometimes to help her look for me. He was her only link to me.

While I was on one of my trips, I was given a drug, and to this day I don't know what it was, but I was sexually abused. I remember after I fired the shot I felt drunk instead of geeked up. I blacked out in Armuchee and woke the next day in Trion, with no clothes on and beside a man I barely knew. He only told me, "I didn't do anything you didn't want me to do." I left and went to a friend's house and told them what had happened. Their response was, "well, you shouldn't went up there." I felt like a fool. This only added to the depression.

I went and found some cocaine because I couldn't find any crank at the time. I filled my needle with what I thought was enough to end all the misery. I remember every feeling just like it was yesterday. I fired the shot. My heart began pounding, my head was so hot I thought it would explode. My legs felt like jello. The girl in the car with me kept asking 'are you alright, Jennifer?' It was like someone took a dimmer switch & slowly turned it off. I began praying in my mind. "God, please, don't let me die, I only thought I wanted to die. God, please."

A while later, I'm not really sure how long, I came back to myself. I got up & started walking thru the parking lot of the pool hall I was at. I looked over at the entrance & my mother's truck was pulling in. I knew in my mind that my eyes were probably wild & I needed to get her out of there. I walked over to her & I don't recall what all I said but she left. Later she told me that I had told her I would come up to her office & talk to her. Of course, I never showed up. She also told me she had woke up in the middle of the night seeing only my face & that's why she came to the pool hall. This was  kind of a turning point for me. I knew in my mind I had to do something. I was dying inside. My physical health was awful. I weighed about 100 lbs. & my face was so skinny & sunk- in looking.  I looked like walking death.

After another couple of months of wanting to quit but not being able, I remember feeling like a ton of bricks had been laid on my shoulders. The want and need to quit using was stronger than ever before. I started to Butch's house. I passed his house and his dad's truck was there. I didn't want him to see me in the shape I was in, so I passed by and went down to the bridge on Hwy. 100 and sat there and cried. When I went back, I told Butch I had to quit. I'm sure he had a hard time believing me. I had told him the same thing before. He didn't turn me away, though. I went in and went to sleep and slept for hours and hours, so it seemed. He called my mom to tell her I was there & I was alright for the time being. I'm sure she was comforted by his call.

The struggle began. I wanted to use. I stayed frustrated & feeling bad all the time. Butch would take me fishing, out to eat, riding old dirt roads in his truck, anything to get it off my mind. He tried so hard to help me. In the end, he did succeed. He was a blessing sent to me from God above. He became my best friend & the man I love. He knew all the bad and the good. I didn't have to lie & keep things from him. He already knew.