This book wasn’t written because I’m a counselor or because I feel I have advice to give. I’m not some extraordinary teacher, professional therapist or anything like that…I’m just me. An ordinary girl from an ordinary town, just like many. This book was not written to give background or any understanding about rape or sexual assault. It does not explain date rape drugs or provide answers to medical questions. There are plenty of books out there like that.
The main reason these words were printed is because I could not really access something that came close to what I wanted or needed when it was necessary. I never found a single book which exposed the up close, personal and sometimes shocking or disturbing details that wriggle their way into a person’s life before, during, and especially after the assault. I understand that everybody’s story is unlike the next, but there must be some similarity, at least, in the feelings, habits, views, tendencies or beliefs which develop as a result of being assaulted. So, like I said before, the real reason for this book is to provide a source of comfort for those who read this—it doesn’t matter if you experienced the assault yourself or if you are close friends or relatives of the loved one who experienced it. This is not the kind of comfort that soothes and reassures. This is the comfort in knowing you’re not alone and that no matter what, don’t ever give up on yourself. Ever.
I wrote this book from the bottom of my heart. This idea of publishing my experience, but more importantly everything that followed, was inspired by a girl whose name I don’t even know. She was the very first person I actually knew that I had an impact on. I told my story, whole and complete, in front of a big audience one night back in March of 2001 while living in Madison. Because of me, she found the courage to face her struggles and the strength to deal with her situation, whatever it was. I will never forget her.
After that night was over, I was consumed with more thoughts and feelings I never thought possible. It felt good to release my tension; to tell my experience to others, my peers, and truly know they listened. I felt happy, confused and relieved. At the same time, I was scared because I thought people might judge me. I found out later that no bad judgment came my way…only support and compassion were offered.
I want to show you first hand how it was for something like this to happen to me. What follows in these pages is an unedited collection of events, thoughts, feelings, reactions and even some poetry. Kinda like a diary. My intent is to portray the reality of the effects such a brutal crime can have. This goes on all the time. I could bore you with statistics, but you know what? This is the only statistic you need: Assault and attempted assault happen everyday and to anyone, including males. Since this usually happens to females, I may use the word “she” or “female” or “her” in general…just know that I am acknowledging that both genders have been victims of this crime. So whenever you see those words, know that it stands for either gender.
I know there is much worse than my case, and I know there is what so
