Just Stuff

FATHERLY ADVICE ON LOVE

What does a father say to his son when he asks the question, “Why did you marry mom?”  The question came unexpectedly from my twenty-eight year old son and I just wasn’t prepared to give any kind of an answer.  It did, though, give me reason to evaluate just why did I marry this women with whom I have been spending the last thirty- two years.

The obvious answer was that I loved her and the question comes back, “How do you know when you love someone?” Again, a deep sigh searching for an appropriate answer.  Again, a stumbling for words and an uncertainty as just how to respond. A father should have all of these answers somewhere in a “How to be a good father manual”.  It’s more than a just a feeling - it goes much deeper.  It’ just as much about a host of “other things” that make you realize that “she is the one”.  I, though, didn’t appear to make much sense as I tried to sketch out those reasons.  He caught me off balance.  It came out of nowhere.  I know he was searching for possible life altering advice, and I just didn’t have it.  I felt terrible and confounded as to why I couldn’t instantly produce fatherly advice.  I know all the TV family fathers would have instant advice when asked this perplexing question. Why not me?    Why couldn’t I answer this simple question?

It did give me reason to reflect about this whole love issue.  What exactly is it that motivates a person to make a life decision such as this? How does a person know “this person is the one”?  Answering “well you’ll just know” doesn’t help much.  I offer the following in hindsight as to what I should have said that might have made some sense.

Love came to me on several levels.  It was the way that she dropped the hint to her girlfriends to tell me that she would be at the dance at the Lincoln school gym.  It was the way she just showed up at my softball games and sat with my mother – despite knowing I would be going home with another girl.  It was the way she would get up in the morning to wave out of her window, as I would be driving by in my milk truck.  It was the way she would show up at our St. Francis High School basketball games (and sometimes-even practices).  It was the way she always would get so excited when I called her on the phone.  It was knowing that she loved listening to the Tigers and rooting for Al Kaline and Rocky Colivito. It was walking to and from the movies at the Temple Theater, and stopping under the light at Rush and Woodland Avenue to steal a kiss. It was staying up until all the programs went off TV just to be with her.  It was also her understanding that sometimes I just had to be “with the boys.”  It was those special hamburgers she made for me that always hit the spot. It was sneaking a few dollars into my jacket pocket when she knew I couldn’t afford to pay for two while going to college.  It was her sticktoitiveness when her parents said she couldn’t possibly go to college with me and be academically successful (she made the dean’s list).  It was her strong religious background in accepting beliefs without question (of which I have always been very jealous). It was the way she genuinely loves children (no matter whose they are). It was knowing that she would always be there for me – no matter how many stupid things I did.  It was the whole package and much more.  These things are part of the spirit that makes up this complex woman, and it was that spirit that I fell in love with.  Spirit is difficult to explain to anyone, but you will know when you can look into that someone’s soul and - just know.   

I wish that I could tell you that love happens like it does in the movies- the romance, the passion, the happy ending.  I wish I had had the answer without giving you cause to believe maybe I settled on getting married because it was the thing to do.  As you can see, I have many reasons why I knew I am in love. Also, son, love just didn’t stop when we got married.  It is much better today than it ever has been. That is another story for another time and has nothing to do with the question you asked.

Thanks for making me realize how much I love your mother.  Sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to explain. Sometimes they just don’t need explaining at all. I hope this explanation helps. I know it has helped me.  Thanks for asking.