Exitt Recollected

“The coast has cleared up and you-know-who had to go to a meeting so I’ll be right down.” I kept the phone to my ear to count the clicks as the others hung up the extension phones at their homes. Two clicks later I knew that both the Boss and Sonny had been listening in so I hung up and waited for the hooraw to start. Beulah might be as cute as a kitten but she had the sense of a goose. When my own phone did not ring I became even more worried about who might find it necessary to come back down here tonight. Not the Boss, he would respect my privacy, but Sonny Jim whose creativity in making the most of opportunities like this was beyond belief. Well, if I put a jamb on the front door and stole the key out of the inside door it might just frustrate him. Maybe.

I kept my eye out for Beulah’s car from my bedroom window. Sonny wouldn’t drive up in front, he’d come in the back way with his tennis shoes on just like Herby the Creep. But even if he did get to my inside door, so what? So what? Hell, that door opened with a skeleton key, he could probably find a dozen of them back in the hardware drawers in the garage. No, something else must be done. So I went on down to the display room, moved the caskets all around so they’d be in his way as he crept through in the dark. The bastard probably has a flashlight. What good is this? By then I heard a beating on the front door so I ran on up as fast as I could to let her in.

“I thought you’d know to come in through my private door,” I said, “that way you’re not exposed to scandal if you come in the front door and somebody is here.”

“I don’t want to do it in your bedroom, Ducky, I had the most exciting idea driving down here, come on.” She headed for the Boss’s office, shedding her outer coat in the middle of the floor. Always the little gentleman, I picked it up and hung it on the rack in front, secured the front door by propping a chair under the latch, and hoped for the best. I still had no idea what this terrific idea of Beulah’s was so I followed her on back. When I got to the office Beulah was already half way through the casket display room, every light having been turned on so I followed, turning the lights back off and found her jiggling the knob on the lock to the prep room door. Naked. Every stitch of her clothing was dumped in a heap on the top of the desk.

“I’ve got a really exciting idea for tonight. You told me about how you are never able to get a date, or get girls in here to see you? How they’re afraid of you and of where you live? Well, I’m going to show you how silly this is, how they shouldn’t be afraid of death and this will help you after I’m gone.” After she’s gone?  How does she mean that, do you suppose? I didn’t have long to ponder because now I had the door open, the light on and checking the interior. That damn Sonny had me jumpy. Did I expect to find him in there waiting for us?

“Now, then,” she said, hands on hips and rotating at the waist to take it all in, “this must the embalming table here and that thing over there (pointing) must be what you embalm with, and that thing up there must be some sort of body carrier arounder, so help me up here (patting the table with her right hand) and I’ll tell you what to do next.” I just stood there looking at her. This was the craziest thing I had ever heard of, was beyond my imagination, but here we were.

“Come on,” she said impatiently, “I can’t get up there by myself.” I just looked at her some more. Here is a beautiful naked woman getting ready to be fucked on an embalmer’s table. This can’t be happening, this doesn’t happen in real life. But to my surprise I found myself grasping her butt and lifting her onto the table. She immediately turned, adjusted her height to the table length, got herself centered and lay back with her upper arms at her sides and her hands grasped just above her pubic hair. She closed her eyes. “OK, now, you’ve got this dead lady here so what do you do next?”

By now I wanted to get this play acting over with so I put on a white embalmer’s coat and a pair of latex gloves.