"DO IT YOURSELF RELATIONSHIP REPAIR GUIDE"

Win or Lose – You Choose

Effective long-term marriages and relationships require the desire and ability from both parties to create “win-win”.   And that doesn’t mean always compromising.  In a compromise, one, if not both, gives up something.  That can mean both will end up feeling like “losers” and wind up unhappy.  Compromise is interpreted to mean one person gets their way and the other just has to go along with it.  If it’s always the same one who has to give up and go along, guess how many times that’s going to happen before some serious resentment sets in.   In “win-win” situations, solutions to problems are arranged where both can feel happy about it, and neither resents the other.

In every relationship, each person has the ability to say things that may make the other feel either better or worse.  That’s a lot of power. A power that is very easy to abuse.  And, it can be abused either with or without conscious thought.  Power over another’s feelings can be brandished like a weapon and used to inflict harm at will. 

In short-term relationships, and in unhealthy long-term relationships, one partner or the other chooses to abuse that power too often and usually on purpose.  Any hope of happiness or growth in that kind of environment is impossible.  I’m sure you already know that, otherwise you wouldn’t be searching for the messages this book has to offer.

In effective long-term relationships, however, both partners consciously choose only good things for the other.  It’s the golden rule: treat others the way you want to be treated yourself.  Think before you speak and act.   It sounds so simple.  In fact, it can be a very difficult commitment to keep, especially when one is feeling down or angry.  But, believe me, it is well worth the effort and will become habit after a while.

Notice that I used the word “choose”“ to describe how partners treat one another. People often blame bad relationships on their partners, as though they had no control over their own happiness.  More often than not, one person blames the other for causing their pain, and for causing their anger to emerge. 

Be sure you understand exactly what is I’m saying, and what I’m NOT saying, about responsibility and accountability.  Yes, I have said that each has the power to make the other either feel better or worse.  Each has the power to be kind or cruel.  But, No, that does not mean that each is responsible for the other’s happiness. Every person must accept ultimate responsibility for his or her own life happiness.

 If you are unhappy as a result of your relationship with another person, you have options for happiness.  If you believe it’s possible and that there are elements within the relationship worth saving, you can choose to work with your partner to turn the way you relate to one another from hurting to nurturing.  Or you can choose to leave the relationship with your dignity and self-esteem intact.  Or, lastly, you can choose to stay in the relationship as it is, and be miserable.  None of these are easy, it’s true.  But it’s all about choices and accepting accountability for your life as it is.

Peaks and Valleys

In any relationship, partners experience different feelings at different times. There are times in a life together when one partner feels on top of the world and very positive - life couldn’t get any better.  At other times, one feels low, unhappy, and unmotivated – they’ve got the “blahs”. 

In healthy long-term relationships, the very best times occur when both partners are in sync with the feeling that life is at its best.  Those are the “Peaks”, when partners click emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  There is a sense of closeness that is palpable.  Those times are full of laughter, fun, romance, and opportunities to experience the maximum benefits of the relationship.  Communication is open and honest and flows naturally and freely. The feeling is euphoric.  Eventually, the “high” begins to fade as the obligations of everyday life distract the partners.  These evolve into the “flat-line” times, when the lightness of the Peak lingers for a while, and before stressors have had time to build up.

In healthy long-term relationships, the very worst times occur when both partners are in the doldrums at the same time.  Those are t