Griefstruck

Our relationships are powerful influences in our lives. They can be a source of happiness, success, and support as well as a source of sadness, disappointment, and stress.  They help define us, and add meaning and purpose to our thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Relationships are formed throughout our lives. Some relationships are inherited at birth; others are chosen. Some are short-lived; others last a lifetime. However, all relationships have one thing in common, they change. Sometimes the changes are welcomed as relationships grow and mature; other times, changes are unwelcome or unexpected.

The kaleidoscope of loss

Just as the bits of colored glass in a kaleidoscope reflect beautiful patterns, your relationships frequently reflect your best qualities. In them, you often see your strengths, your hopes and dreams, and your uniqueness mirrored back to you.  Thus when your relationships end, either through loss or death, you lose something valuable and you grieve.  According to respected colleagues and bereavement educators, there are many factors that influence your grief. Your physical health, your emotional make-up, your coping style, your loss history, your sense of spirituality, your age, even your gender may all influence the way you experience grief.

Your life circumstances also may impact how you grieve. For example, perhaps you delayed or minimized your grief reactions at the time of your loss due to family obligations. Many bereaved people have found themselves denying their own needs in order to take care of young children, provide help to elderly parents, address financial concerns, or handle other pressing obligations. While this is a natural response, not allowing yourself the opportunity to grieve can prolong your pain and sorrow. 

The loss of relationship

Other significant factors, affecting how well you are able to cope with loss are your relationships – your relationship to the person who died, to yourself, to a Higher Power, to others, and even to broad concepts such as how you embrace change and accept loss. In a very real sense, your relationship to the person who died gives shape and substance to your grief experience. Were you best friends . . . life partners . . .family members. . . neighbors. . . co-workers? Did you know the person for a few months . . . years . . . decades? Did he or she play a significant role in your life? What type of things did this person do for you . . . and with you?  What types of things do now have to do for yourself because this person is missing from your life? Take some time to reflect upon your relationship to the person who died.

What was the nature of your relationship (for example, spouse, parent, child, friend)?

How close of a connection did you feel? Was the person well-liked… loved… tolerated? Did you get along most of the time… some of the time… hardly ever?