ROMANCE AFTER 60

I have interviewed in depth over 120 men in the last two years: rich men, poor men, beggar men and/or thieves, doctors, lawyers and corporate chiefs. I have also dated at least 20 men in the last 22 years. That makes 140 men. Four of these 20 men have been serious relationships. I’ve learned a lot about my preferences and theirs. We’ve had some wonderful moments and we’ve also experienced sorrow. I don’t regret meeting most of them, regardless of the endings.

What Do These Men Say They Want?

I am going to tell you their true stories. You can decide for yourself if any of these men could be people you’d like to meet. In some cases, you’ll decide, I hope, to avoid a small number of them.

My first and most important question to the men I interviewed was: What do you want most in your next relationship? Describe the woman you’re looking for.

When I tell my friends what I’m doing, they all ask, “So what do they want?” I have to answer, “They want different types of women depending upon whom they’ve known.” This book is not about simplistic stereotyping, attempting to help you in your efforts to understand the “other.”

However, I do offer some generalizations based on my skewed sample and I do group the men in meaningful clusters. I use Chaucer’s model of a pilgrimage, but only two of the men are seeking God in the form of cosmic consciousness and an abstract ideal. The others are seeking an equally elusive, modern goal, a permanent relationship that is mutually satisfying. Like Chaucer, I am more interested in each man’s individuality than in any arbitrary label.

Also like Chaucer, I tend to dispel myths. For example, most of the men were not looking for younger women, despite that common perception. One doctor told me he had a war test. If he mentioned the war and the woman thought it was Vietnam, she was too young for him. I am aware that many men do want younger women when they first get divorced. I know a 65 year old who slept with girls in their twenties and thirties for three or four months. But he remarried an older woman close to his age because she knew his songs, his history and his background. He didn’t share the interests of the “young ones” except the desire to prove he could still “get it up.”

Nor did I talk to men who said they were looking for a nurse with a purse. Usually they gave a list of qualities that described femininity: soft, gentle, affectionate, demonstrative, sensual, fun to be with, etc. Many did talk about companionship, but they were seeking “travel companions” who would be adventuresome, not stay-at-home types.

No one talked about finding an equal, although many were seeking intelligent women. Only one man said he was looking for a woman with imagination. He was an artist.