Diary of a Suicide
Finding Life on the Road to Recovery
by
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Day 1
The world is a maze, full of turns that lead to
nowhere with just one way out. What is
found is confusion and bewilderment as there is no truth in anything. Promises are made but then so easily
broken. A lack of integrity exists in
this cold and heartless world. Each one
too busy looking out for #1, no matter who they have to step on to get there.
I wish that I could understand the meaning of it
all. I guess what they say about me is
true after all, I am a little crazy and off base. It really has nothing to do with that. It all comes down to the fact that I just don’t understand
society. Life would be so simple if
everyone would just show respect and admiration for each other. Is that really too much to ask?
I have learned to not believe in what is promised
and to believe only in what my truth is and myself. I have trusted all the wrong people who have led me to sorrow and
a great deal of pain.
Is one a runaway or a quitter because one chooses
his own death? Can they really judge me
without knowing what was in my mind?
How can they judge a decision that I made just to end the nightmare, it
is my final sacrifice? This is the only
way that I can win. I am in an endless
race to nowhere. Just the thought of
going on makes me realize I would forever be stuck in this circle, this maze
with no way out – this labyrinth from hell.
If anyone ever reads this, please understand what it
is that I must do. If you knew what it
is that I am planning you would do all you could to stop it, but why change the
inevitable. Just promise that you will
always love me.
I am confused about many things, especially what
will happen to those who are important to me.
I do know how to love so it is not about that. I have so much that I
have to do before my day arrives and so little time. But I know what I must do in the end.
The reaper stands in the shadows waiting with his
sickle at his side. He watches and
waits because he knows that one-day I will be his. I look at him several times a day, always asking if today is the
day and now is the time. He always
shakes his head no. He says nothing,
just waits in silence; still and cold.
He has no face (or at least not one that is as mine). He is all dressed in black and holds his
tool with a blade so sharp that nothing could survive. I know that one-day his answer will be
“yes”, and then it will be my time.
Until then, though, I must continue to prepare.
The reaper is not my enemy. He is feared because he
is so misunderstood. He stands by while
all others leave. He understands what
is going on with me, inside me. I am
not afraid of him like most. Once you
have met him, he becomes very real and you understand what is his appointed
task. He is my friend and my
protector. I look to him with
respect. When the day comes and he nods
his head, I will be ready to go with him.
Everything will have all been arranged.
He knows the day and he knows the time when I will finally walk with
him.
Always in my mind is the thought of Death. He’s a fascination that draws me closer to him every day. He promises me peace and tranquility. My mind is full of wonder and I listen to the voices in my head and my heart, “I will tell you the time.” It doesn’t matter if those who are around me believe it or not. What matters is that I believe and follow the voices that I hear. Those around me don’t take me seriously anyway and tell me it is just a game that I play and that all I want is attention.
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About the Book
You’re standing at the edge of a cliff looking down at the crashing waves, your head racing, voices running through your mind telling you to jump. No one seems to care or understand. Your friends tell you that you have a mental illness and you “need help.” Panic has set in, and you see no other way out—you are not alone. Statistics show that 20% or more of those who are diagnosed with a mental illness will commit suicide. The great news is this: 80% WILL SURVIVE! LET’S BE IN THE 80% CLUB!
Maybe you do not have a mental illness and instead are just going through a tough time. Join us and be part of our survival club.
Diary of a Suicide contains the journal of a person who has decided to die. Go along with him in his time of self-discovery. He writes about what people think of him and what he thinks of himself. Hiding his decision from the world weighs heavily on him; see how he handles it.
If you find yourself in this book, and just about everyone who has read it has, know that you are one of us, which means you are a survivor.
About the Author
Shaunda Clifton’s employment as a pastoral counselor and student services counselor, as well as her work in emergency services with a major police department, has allowed her to work with many who have been in crisis. She has also done graduate studies in psychology. Most of her education, though, comes from living with bipolar affective disorder and coming to terms with the illness in her own life. She realized that it was not the end, but rather the beginning of a new take on life. She decided to not let the fact that she has a mental illness stop her from living to the fullest, but instead has used it to reach even higher to achieve an even greater fullness of life.