ACCEPTANCE
An Insider's View of Bipolar Disorder
by
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The morning had begun with my turning over in my bed to look at the clock on the table. The hands read 3:15 a.m. I rolled back over and closed my eyes. Papers crumpled and I felt my pen along the side of my stomach, but I was too tired to remove it. Besides, I might need it at any minute and I wanted it close at hand. I drifted into another light sleep and my mind began racing again.
The setting was a damp, thick jungle. I was in the army in Vietnam. Around me on the ground were my fellow soldiers in the company I was commanding.
We had just been ambushed and were surrounded by short Viet Cong soldiers. Lying on the cold, wet ground, my men and I faced the rifles of the enemy pointed menacingly at our bodies. The leader of the enemy troops thrust his rifle toward my face and suddenly there appeared a long, sharp bayonet at the end of the rifle. The soldier pulled back his rifle and prepared to thrust it into me. "You are going to die. We’re going to kill you now. Prepare to die."
"Wait! Kill me, but take the others as prisoners. Let them live," I pleaded for my men. The young officer looked at me in surprise. My face was covered with dirt and the black rifle was poised above my chest. I thought a moment wondering what death would be like.
"If that is what you want." The blade of the enemy soldier’s rifle plunged into my chest. As if I was in two places at the same time, I watched myself being killed as though I had risen 10 feet above the officer. On the wet ground, I felt the blade of his bayonet go into my body and felt a strange confidence rather than defeat. It was a liberating feeling of success for saving the lives of my men.
All went black for a moment and I awoke with a start. No I hadn’t died. It was a dream, but I felt exhilarated as I awoke. My mind raced. I pushed off the covers and rolled over. I fished out my pen from beneath my right side, sat up and began to write down the experience of what death was like from my dream. After several lines of prose, I put down the pen and looked at the clock again. It was 4:30 a.m. and I returned to my writing.
"What could this dream mean? It reflected both our national reality as well as my personal struggle to move from adolescence into adulthood. Just as I was seeking my position into the world, the most powerful nation on earth was coming face to face with the reality of its limitations and impotence. We had ventured onto the world stage with the noble goal to stop the spread of Communism in Vietnam and were faced with the reality that our massive power was not unlimited. The North Vietnamese were undeterred from our continuous bombing. All our efforts, all our technology, all the courageous valor of our soldiers who went into battle there to fight and perhaps to die for our nation’s grand design were fruitless.
As a young nation, we were coming of age, gradually learning the great lesson that every great nation learns. It’s the same lesson that every child learns when it becomes an adolescent and then learns even more fully upon entering adulthood. A child, like a nation, learns it is often denied what it wants most, denied what it is certain is just and fair; something that it desires and deserves.
Plainly, the world was not going to give us what we wanted when we wanted it.
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About the Book
Acceptance is a first hand account of the author's life during which Dr. Barker struggles with bipolar illness. After a third hospitalization and 30 years of denial, he comes to the realization that he can no longer deny the impact this illness has had on every aspect of his life. Once acceptance of the illness occurs, he reviews how the intoxicating highs and devastating lows created by the disorder have contributed to divorce, job shifting, social disconnections and spiritual doubt.
Acceptance traces how the illness, without treatment, is like a dark shadow that comes and goes throughout a person's life causing unnecessary suffering for the diagnosed patient and their loved ones.
Acceptance explores how a carefully balanced plan of medical and psycho-social treatment can arrest the ravages of the illness, allowing patients and their families to achieve maximal recovery. The stigma and shame of mental illness are painfully real, yet can be modified by loving acceptance and compliance with treatment.
Acceptance is an honest, hopeful book that should be read by anyone who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, or any severe and persistent mental illness, and their loved ones.
About the Author
Jonathan C. Barker holds Doctor of Ministry and Master of Divinity degrees from Co1gate Rochester Divinity School and a Bachelor of Science degree in communications from Missouri Valley College. He was diagnosed with bipolar illness 32 years ago when be was 19 years old. As a North Carolina Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and a clinica1 member of the American Association, for Marriage and Family Therapy, Dr. Barker provides individual psychotherapy, marriage and family therapy and mental health education programs to families suffering with bipolar illness and other severe and persistent mental illnesses. He also does extensive speaking on menta1 health issues. Dr. Barker is an ordained minister with the Presbyterian Church, U.S.A. He can be reached at: http://www.jonathanbarker.com.