Black Butterflies

Black men are the most misunderstood beings on the face of the earth.  They are the butt of jokes, they are misquoted, lied on and about, not trusted and to some the reason for all of the trouble in the world!  But those of us that love, like, want, need, and desire black men have to realize that there are still a lot of good, single brothers out there. We just have to give them a chance and understand them. We also have to remember, when we are looking for that “perfect” man that we are not perfect and perfection is reserved for God only!

I have to admit that for a short period, I was one of those women that misunderstood my dear brothers because of what I had experienced in my life.

My husband, a man that I loved dearly, just abruptly walked out on me. He also had all of my utilities turned off! Our daughter was just over a month old. I was devastated! He was a good man and I knew that he loved me. So why did a good man just walk out on his family? Now I realize that he was just saving himself. Sure, he could have gone about it in a more humane way but at the time, he was so confused! I did not understand it then like I do now. He was scared. A scared little boy that I tried to turn into a man! I loved him dearly but I did not truly understand him! He was always telling me that I was too good for him but at the time I could not understand what he was talking about. Now I realize that he had very little self- esteem.   

I had a good Black man; I just didn’t know how to deal with him!  Many times, he tried to talk to me but I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I was just consumed in my needs and myself that I didn’t even understand nor did I try to, what he was going through!

However, I finally learned how to listen and by just really listening, I learned so much about my dear Brothers.

I believe part of the problem is when a woman meets a man she really likes, she jumps into bed with him too fast. Before she even gets to know him. If the sex is good, she is hooked. She wants a relationship. She may even think that he is someone that she can spend the rest of her life with.

But after she gets to know him, she may find out there are many things about him that she does not like or even finds appalling. Then she wants to change him into who she wants for him to be or who she thought he was. If he is not willing to change to suit her needs, she is disappointed.  She feels hurt, angry, frustrated, sad and in some cases, even violated!  The man then becomes a good for nothing dog to her because he was not willing to change to suit her needs and desires. Instead of dogging the man, she should have just realized that maybe he was not the right one for her.  Something she really knew from the beginning but just didn’t want to face.

Then she gets with her friends, who have had similar experiences with black men, and they castrate all black men! Stating what good for nothing dogs they all are. She will even carry this hate, negativity and mistrust into her next relationship, damaging it before it even gets started. She expects the relationship not to work out so when it doesn’t, she proudly say’s, “I told you he was no good” or “I knew it wouldn’t last”! Not even realizing her part in sabotaging the relationship, she blames everything on the man.

Even if the man is a good man, she believes that he is just too good to be true. Sometimes even saying, “If he is such a good man why isn’t he already taken” or even, “What does he want with me”? This belief, along with the help of her jealous, man hating friends, helps to ignite the flames of doubt and the magic burns out of the relationship before it even begins.

Women must start to take some of the blame for the failure of their relationships. They cannot continue to put all of the blame on the man. They have to learn to trust again and to look at each relationship as a new, exciting experience.

Women must also stop making men solely responsible for their happiness. That is everyone’s own responsibility. Women must do whatever it takes to get their lives in order and their priorities straight.

Remember, you will attract that which you are. If you are angry, you will attract an angry man. If you are insecure you will attract an insecure man. If you are needy you will attract a needy man and so on.

Also, do not appear be too needy or desperate. Men do not like desperate women! They can smell a desperate woman right away and will run for the hills.

We have to start looking at men for just what they are. They are like the icing on the cake or the cherry on the top of a sundae. We don’t really need them but they are nice to have around!

Just remember to keep your life focused. Learn to enjoy spending time with yourself by yourself. Do not put everything into getting a man or having a man. And when you do get a man you must still have a life of your own. If you give a man space without him asking for it, he will not want it as much!

So read, learn and enjoy as you get to know more about Black men. And, maybe someday we all can just get along! 

Salima Hakeem was born and raised in West Philadelphia. She attended West Philadelphia High School and graduated from University City High School, she also attended Cheyney State College. She is a very honest and diverse person and believes in the truth. She will not give up and always gets to the bottom of any situation. Although she likes the diversity of Philadelphia, she prefers the serenity of the islands and has lived in The Bahamas. She is as real as they come and she is a pleasure to be around! I am proud to call her my mother! 

Salima Hakeem, II