Roasts and Toasts Made Easy

I am very happy to be here to honor my good friend, Mike Miller. I’ve known Mike for over forty years, so I feel qualified to give some insights into who he really is and share with you some things about him that you may not have known.

I’m indeed honored to be speaking this evening. All of you should also feel sincerely honored, since at this event we’ll have the opportunity to meet a person who deserves the respect and accolades of everyone here – a person of incredible charm and intelligence – a person of unquestioned integrity, honesty and capability, who has worked hard, accomplished much and is an outstanding example to all. But enough about Joan. Let’s get on with a few words about Mike.

A few minutes ago, I spoke to some of Mike’s friends, and they implored me to go easy on him. Let me assure you, that no matter how cruel the jokes may appear, no matter how vicious the insults may seem, no matter how embarrassing his exploits may sound, I am respecting their wishes and going easy on him.

I want you to remember that regardless of what I am about to say, Mike is a tremendous example to those young people who say, "I don’t want an education; I don’t want to work hard to achieve a good life; I don’t want to be a responsible person." We can point to Mike and say to them, "If you don’t change your attitudes, this is how you will turn out!"

When Mike was a bachelor, he liked to consider himself quite the ladies’ man, but what you may not realize is that he focused on homeless women because he knew it was easier to talk to them into spending the night.

Mike has a prolific dating history. In fact, he’s had so many blind dates, he qualified for a free seeing eye dog.

Mike is retired now, but he did have a few jobs during his working career. I remember once asking him why he left his last job. "A lot of reasons," said Mike. "The shoddy work, the vile language, the sloppiness, the inconsistent work hours – they just wouldn’t put up with them anymore."

Once when Mike was preoccupied with his investment planning, it affected his job performance. His boss took note and said, "Mike, you don’t seem to be yourself. What’s the problem – ignorance or apathy?" Whereupon Mike said, "I don’t know, and I don’t care."

Of course, I can’t talk about Mike without also including Joan, his loving wife of many years. When they were dating, Mike’s mother asked him, "Why did you decide to go steady with Joan?" He replied that she was very different from all the other girls he had dated. "How so?" asked his mother. "She’s the only one who ever agreed to a second date!" said Mike.