Beyond Tears
by
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This book was written in order to document and share with others the issues that my family had to address when we learned that our child had been diagnosed as emotionally disturbed (ED). The idea of writing about my daughter and her issues was my way of trying to explain what happens to a family when dealing with mental illness. I try to cover the dynamics of family life, social relationships, school systems, community services (mental health centers, police, courts, etc.) and the medical establishment. It is hoped that by reading about my daughter, you will have a better understanding of the issues that relate to mental illness, and what effect it has on the family. I have tried to present the story of my daughter's illness in a way that I feel most parents would comprehend. The chronological order of various events begins with some family history, and moves to the school years, up to high school graduation. It should be noted that I could not have written about everything that happened in our lives during this period, but I have tried to be as detailed about the various events that took place as I could remember. This was done so that the reader would find it easier to compare it to his or her own experiences, if he or she had similar circumstances with their child. This method also gave me the opportunity to explain how many of these events seemed to trigger new concerns for our family to address. In my planning of this book, I have also tried to explain some of the methodology, logic, and sometimes just plain common sense used to help our family work through these issues. Hopefully, you will find it useful in understanding some of the techniques that we used in handling the negotiating process regarding the school system, social services and the financing of medical expenses. This was my first attempt at trying to write a book, and as I soon learned, this task became quite a challenge. I hope that you will find my story not only interesting, but also useful in dealing with your own family crisis, if one should exist. Our family quickly learned that when you have a child with a serious mental illness, you need basic support and understanding of your situation. Hopefully, this book will serve to give you some of that needed support. CHAPTER 1 - P.I.W. This story is about our daughter, Kelly, but it could easily be a story about any family that has a child with a mental illness, and how that illness affects all aspects of the family structure. Kelly was almost 11 years old and would soon be going into the sixth grade. She was attending an elementary school located in Fairfax County, Virginia. It should be noted that the Fairfax County public school system is not only one of the largest, but is also reported to be one of the highest rated public school systems in the country. Many families have chosen to move to Fairfax County in order to afford their children a quality public school education. Over the years my wife and I have talked with other parents and were told that many other school systems did not have all of the resources for children with special needs that were presented to us. We soon learned how lucky we were to have the benefits of the school system in our area. Prior to her eleventh birthday, Kelly had periodically displayed some peer relation issues, not only in school, but in social situations, as well. My wife and I had been advised on various occasions that Kelly was having some developmental issues since first being enrolled into the public school system. All of her teachers were always very conscientious about working with the students and parents. We received periodic reports about our daughter’s progress and were always invited to come in to discuss any issues that were of concern to us. The focus for parent/teacher relationships was to ensure that the student did well in his or her academic endeavors. Even before Kelly was 11 years of age, she was experiencing some peer relation problems. On many occasions, she would get into arguments with her playmates and show unacceptable behavior and poor anger control if she could not have her way. My wife, Nancy, had expressed her concerns to me about what she had observed when Kelly was playing with the other children; she didn’t seem to feel as though our daughter was developing like the other children in her age group. Nancy felt that Kelly’s behavior was not acceptable and tried to correct it whenever she could. Kelly had demonstrated at an early age a lack of anger control toward others, particularly her peer group. My wife remembers that while carpooling to preschool, Kelly would sometimes become very difficult to handle, particularly in her behavior toward the other children in the car. She was very jealous of the other girls and picked on them. Once, when she was misbehaving while in the back seat of the car, my wife made her sit in the front, and she got so mad that she opened the car door and threatened to jump out. Since my wife was with Kelly most of the time, our perceptions of Kelly’s issues were very different. Occasionally, these differences in our perceptions of Kelly’s development caused us problems in our relationship. I took the position that our daughter had been given too much and acted like a spoiled child, especially when she couldn't get whatever she wanted. My views later proved to be wrong. My wife had a much better understanding of the way that Kelly should have been progressing. I now realize that she was with Kelly daily and could see how her playmates of the same age were developing. As time went by, I began to see that my wife and I always seemed to be giving in to Kelly’s every wish. She would wear us down with her demands and manipulations. Rather than dealing with the issues, we would buy her almost anything she wanted without thinking about what message we were sending to her. She was constantly demanding our attention, and the more we gave her, the more she wanted. When looking back on this period, it appears that we really didn't seem to mind buying her what she wanted or giving her the attention she demanded. It was a much easier solution than having to deal with the conflict she presented when we refused her demands. All of this goes to show that we did not have the right approach to parenting. We later realized that all children need certain limitations. By giving them everything they want, you are sending the wrong message. We learned from the teachers, social workers and psychologist during our various counseling sessions, that children always test you. They try to manipulate their parents and others in order to get their own way. What children need most during their developmental stages are reassurances that there are limits. These limits make the child feel safe and protected. If a parent says, "No" to a child, he or she should not feel that the child is being told that they are not loved. In reality, it is quite the opposite, though most parents feel a sense of guilt by sticking to their decision regarding the child’s demands. The real message being sent by the parents is that they really do care. If the parents were to allow the child to make all of the decisions without limits, the child would eventually run into various conflicts. This would create an unhealthy environment for both the parents and the child. It should be noted that we were like most parents in these situations and felt that we wanted to show our daughter how much we cared by getting her what she wanted. This was the wrong approach. By setting limits, you are establishing the ground rules to b
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About the Book
The book Beyond Tears is a true story of what one family had to deal with when their eleven-year-old daughter was diagnosed as being mentally ill. The writer attempts to share a variety of issues that a family may have to address while living with a child who is emotionally disturbed (ED). He explains how the illness caused his daughter to become so dysfunctional, that she could no longer attend regular classes in school. The book also tries to explain how the Special Education Program tries to accommodate her special needs. As the issues escalated, his daughter had to be placed in a residential treatment center far away from the home environment. This placement created many new concerns for the family. The author has attempted to present his story in a way that most parents could relate to if they were in a similar situation. The story was written in a chronological order of events beginning with some family history, moving to the school years up through high school graduation. He tries to explain some of the methodology, logic and sometimes, just plain common sense of how his family worked through these issues. The book encompasses the dynamics of family life, social relationships, school systems, finances, community services (mental health centers, social services, courts, etc.), and the medical establishment. Each year there are more and more children being placed into our Special Education Programs, who have been diagnosed as emotionally disturbed (ED) or learning disabled (LD). There have been many books written about these children by doctors, social workers, therapists and educators. This is one of the few books that are written by a parent, who wanted to share with other parents, how the illness of his child effected their family. It is hoped that by reading this book you will have a better understanding of what a family has to address relating to a child with mental illness.
About the Author
Mr. Marks was born and raised in Washington, D.C. upon graduation from high school he joined the U.S. Army and was assigned a tour of duty in Germany. After returning home from his military service, Mr. Marks went to work for the U.S. Government in Washington, and subsequently got married. Mr. Marks has had a very successful public career. He served as the Director of Finance/CFO for the National Endowment for the Arts (NEA) for fifteen years. Prior to coming to NEA he was Chief of Accounting with the Office of the Secretary, Department of the Treasury. Mr. Marks did his under graduate work at both the Maryland University and the George Washington University, obtaining a degree in Business Administration. He continued his educational pursuits by attending the American University M.P.A. program, as well as, completing a Certificate Program, at the University of Pennsylvania, Wharton School. Mr. Marks has also attended the OPM Executive Institute in Denver, CO and completed the OPM's Senior Executive Development (SES) training in Oak Ridge, TN. In 1990, 1991 and 1994 he was nominated for the Donald Scantlebury Memorial Award for distinguish leadership in his field. In June 1995 Mr. Marks completed study at The George Washington University's School of Business and Public Management and has been Board Certified as an expert government financial manager. He was also granted the designation of Certified Government Financial Manager (CGFM). After Mr. Marks and his wife were advised that one of their children had been diagnosed with a mental illness, Mr. Marks decided to keep a journal about his child’s illness. The journal not only covered various events relating to their daughter’s illness, but also tries to explain some of the dynamics that his family had to endure. He kept the journal for six years, and has now taken those events to create this book in order to share his family’s experience with others.