Now I Can See
by
Book Cover & Preview Text
Once started Eva did not one get over her tirade quickly or easily. It would continue until she was exhausted and then would complain she was sick and off to bed she would go for the rest of the day. After that Carole and Carl would have to tiptoe around and spend the rest of the day trying to make up to her by doing things that might possibly please her to bring her out of her mood. Miraculously Eva would recover in the evening and be well enough to go out with Carl and their friends. This day it was impossible, as usual, to talk to Eva and she became angrier as Carole became more frustrated. Starting out calmly Carole tried didn’t remain calm that way for long because it turned into a full blown argument which once begun neither Carole nor Eva would give it up. Finally Carl entered into the argument and turned on Carole, angry that she was talking back to Eva because he felt that Carole should have known better but matters had gone too far and her emotions had the best of her. Now it was too late to retreat and she was angry and hurt with her father because he always expected her to know better and restrain herself but never expected the same from Eva. She felt he was not being fair and was catering to Eva. This was one day that Carole was not feeling sorry for her father but rather was feeling sorry for herself because he had turned on her. Carl never expected Eva to control her behavior, rather he expected Jimmy and Carole to give in. This was a day that Carole felt like Jimmy did, that in all fairness her father should sometimes stand by them and tell Eva she was wrong. Feeling terrible, Carole wanted to get away from them and that house so she turned and ran from the cottage, through the back of their land and up the road that led to the path into the woods. She stopped running when she got on the trail and walked through the woods to the meadow where she could be alone and try to calm herself. This was the place where she could think things through and today she really needed that, but today when Carole reached the meadow, she did not get the feelings of overwhelming beauty and peace as she usually did because she was too distraught and unhappy. She felt so desolate and alone that she couldn’t absorb the beauty, calmness or nearness to God that she usually experienced there. The scenes and arguments with Eva were not normal and fear was setting in her that perhaps there was something wrong with her and this was her fault and not Eva’s because perhaps she didn’t know how to behave with people. She saw nothing but the rest of her life stretching out ahead of her feeling despondent, alone and afraid as she was now. Carole was losing control of herself as she went over the whole scene back at the cottage and asked herself why hadn’t she stayed silent when certainly she knew better? Why did she have to get into an altercation with Eva? Why couldn’t her father understand and help her? Why was she so alone and miserable? Why didn’t anyone love her or care about her? She had meant well today so why did everything she tried to say come out so wrong? Carole had no answers to these questions and as she sat there fell deeper and deeper into a pit of despair. She wallowed in her self pity, and sat with her head in her hands crying. Suddenly she noticed a long, sharp piece of glass at her feet and began to focus on the glass while strange thoughts entered her mind. She thought with this piece of glass she could end all this misery loneliness, and despair. All this suffering and fear would be over and no longer would she have to deal with Eva. With that she picked up the piece of glass and felt the tip of it and knew it was sharp enough for her to cut through her wrists, and more and more she thought that this was what she wanted to do. In her mind she could picture how awful her father and Eva would feel when they found out what she had done and this made her feel good because then they would know how unhappy she truly was. As she turned her left wrist over, looked for the veins and with her right hand brought the glass to her wrist to cut herself, but she couldn’t exert the pressure it took to do it. For all her effort all she succeeded in doing was to make a slight scratch across her wrist.
Formats
Book Details
About the Book
The main character of the story is a young girl named Carole, who craved a life filled with love, security and fulfillment. These were her simple dreams but yet she struggled to find her true place in her world. Her grandparents who emigrated from Italy had told her of the beauty of that land and the hardships they faced coming to a new country. As she grew, her curiosity became so strong she began to search for the reasons why her family would leave a place of security and beauty of an unknown land filled with hardship and uncertainty and to find out where she fit into this story. Having lived in a family filled with love and security; Carole lost her mother at the age of eight. She then spent her years trying to find that sense of belonging. Her father worked and left her with numerous aunts and mostly her grandmother and grandfather who spoke only Italian. She recalls fun times with some of her family, and unhappy times with others, while her sense of insecurity and not fitting in became increasingly stronger as she grew older. Her father then married and Carole's life became one of servitude to her stepmother. Her stepmother was a selfish bitter woman who was unable to have children of her own. She considered Carole her housekeeper. Carole married at nineteen to a fellow a few years older than she, and within the year they had a son. She yearned for the family unit. Her husband had a big family but more dysfunctional than her own, therefore her search for balance and security would only become stronger. During her twenty-three years of marriage she raised three children, worked part time and struggled to keep the family together money wise, spiritually, and lovingly. Although on the outside she appeared happy and fulfilled, these were very dark days for her. She coped with depression, loneliness, financial insecurity, and a husband that was non-supportive emotionally and physically. Once the children were grown she began her life and that included a man that would show her the world and the places she always dreamed of as a child. They were married and though major problems began with the combining of two families amid gossip and angry from their families, they overcame it. She was finally able to put her many fears to rest.
About the Author
My name is Norma D' Amico and I will be using the name Nancy Nathan for publication. I make my home in a small community north of Boston, Massachusetts, with my husband, daughter, two young grandsons, a teenage granddaughter, and my two cats, Brittany and Reggie. The inspiration to write this novel came from the many stories I heard during my childhood about the 'old country', and how my relatives came to leave there to emigrate here in the United States, and how they began their new lives in Boston at the turn of the century.