Tales of a Sacred Prostitute

Shaft of Light


“I did a phone session with Peter recently,” Jeffrey told me. Peter was my partner, a remarkable man who does sexual healing work. I had recommended that Jeffrey work with him to understand more about being a man. Now Jeffrey was visiting me for another round of sessions. “He talked with me about how a man holds space for a woman. I’d like to try that with you.”

I asked him, “What did you have in mind?”

“I want to do whatever you’d like.”

I thought for a moment. I was tired from nights of insomnia. I was deeply into a transformational process, going through menopause and an astrological transit called Chiron Return. It was turning me inside out. Everything I knew about myself was no longer true. My sexuality, which had been a touchstone my whole life, was now unpredictable and erratic. With a history of years of doing sexual surrogacy work with him, I had been concerned about this session with him, wondering how it would go, if I would even be able to be sexual with him.

“That sounds wonderful,” I said in relief. “How about a massage?” I knew that he enjoyed giving massage, and that he had been to massage school.

“Sounds good. Whatever you want.”

Soft music played and the light grew dim as he massaged me for about an hour. Darkness fell, and the only light was from the candles upon the altar next to the massage table. I felt myself relax more and more deeply. As I let go, I began to feel the emotions that I had been pushing away. Tears welled up in my eyes.

“I can’t cry now,” I thought to myself. “This is his session, not mine. It wouldn’t be appropriate.”

He continued to massage my low back, and the tears became unavoidable. Finally, I spoke. “I’m feeling a lot of sadness coming up. It’s not about you. Is it ok if I just cry?”

“Totally fine,” he said. “Cry all you want. I’d be honored.”

I broke into sobs, which shook my body. Crying out my pain, my confusion, my uncertainty with who I was now, I released it all. I howled and moaned, grieving the loss of who I used to be. The tears went on and on, as I accessed what seemed like a bottomless well of sorrow. Even with my lifetime of ease with emotions, I had never wept so long or so deeply.

He moved to lie on the table beside me. Holding me in his arms, he gave comfort as I continued to sob. Finally, the tears subsided.

“That was good,” he murmured to me. “You released a lot.”

I looked up at him through wet eyelashes and swollen eyelids, checking how he was. He seemed centered and calm, happy to be holding me.

“Are you OK?” I asked.

“I’m good,” he replied. “I’m honored that you trusted me enough to do that.”

I snuggled in closer. As my naked body touched his, I began to be aroused. He responded with his own arousal. We began to move together, rubbing against each other. I moaned as I felt my yoni grow open and wet.

“Would you like to be inside me?” I asked him.

“Yes, if you want it.”

“I do. I want it a lot. Let’s put a condom on you.”

The condom in place, I moved on top of him, placing his erect penis at the opening to my vagina. Slowly I slid down over his vajra, taking him into me at my timing and desire. Eventually he filled me, and I paused in pleasure, savoring the moment.

We began moving together, rocking our hips. My arousal grew, and I felt an orgasm near; not quite there yet, but soon. Suddenly a huge shaft of golden light entered me from my root chakra and moved up my spine, creating a wave through my body. The top of my head burst open and I became the light, loosing my sense of a personal self. I was in an exquisite union with All-That-Is, floating in ecstasy.

Timeless moments passed as we hovered in stillness. Tears of joy streamed from my eyes, and fell upon his face. Eventually, I landed back into only three dimensions.

“What was that?” he asked in wonder.

I described the shaft of light to him.

“Yes, I felt it,” he said. “It was astounding.” I thought to myself once again what a remarkable man he was. His perceptions of energy were extraordinary.

“Thank you so much for holding such space for me,” I said in gratitude. “This was an important event for me.”

“Yes, well, it was good for me too. I need to learn how to hold that space for a woman. You allowed me to be a man.”

As he prepared to leave, I noticed the time. We had been together five hours, and had only scheduled two.

“I’m not going to charge you for this extra time,” I told him. “It was valuable to me, and I want to acknowledge you for it.”

“That feels good.”

After he left, I lay on the table, reflecting upon how much the universe provides. All the care that I had poured into this man over the years had just come back to me, at the time that I needed it the most.