Out of the Shadow

I sat in Byron's small office on the Eastside of Santa Fe observing the spindly tropical plant reaching for the window and the two giant moonscape paintings someone had traded for therapy sessions. He had been my therapist for many years, and now he was helping me through my breakup with Neil.

It had been nearly a year since Neil's departure. Yet I was still dwelling on why he left, going from anger to depression to tears to relief over being free of him.

Byron coughed, "Jan... how about another dream?"

"There's only one more: "

I'm traveling in Europe with friends, and we go to the opera. I think it's Carmen. We walk through narrow cobblestone streets to the theater and I'm excited about seeing the performance. Suddenly it's over and we're coming out of the theater, and I realize I've slept through the whole thing. I'm annoyed at myself, disappointed that I missed the opera. "

Byron smirked, "What's Carmen?"

"Spanish, a tragedy..."

"I know, I know! It's your life with men and a tragedy. Frankly, you were sleepwalking in your early years. This is your inner life. All the unawareness you lived through. What is Carmen? I've seen it numerous times! It's a soap opera. Isn't that what our lives were? Can't we all look back and ask, 'Was that me? Who was leading that life?' We were asleep. "

I thought of a dream I had discussed with Byron not long ago. For months I didn't want to face what was happening or deal with any of it. But the promise of change had shown up in a dream:

Gardeners are cleaning up my garden early in the morning before dawn. A friend comes by and I'm distracted. I look out to see the gardeners removing all of my aspen trees and taking them away. I run after them to retrieve the trees, but they have gone.

Byron asked, "What do gardeners do?"

I thought a moment, then answered, "well, they clean up the garden, plant flowers..."

Byron cut in, "Yes, they clean out stuff that's not needed. And what about aspens?"

The fall aspens came to mind. Every October there were groves of brilliant yellow aspens in the mountain slopes on the way to the ski area. "They're beautiful in the fall when the leaves turn. And there's something delicate and fragile about them when they sway in the wind."

Byron nodded, "Yeah, they grow in groves, one root system, not deeply rooted either. They stand together and die together, very vulnerable, not like a sturdy oak." He paused, then his face lit up, "And you're right, there is something delicate and fragile about them. I think its clearing out the fragility in you, making way for new growth."

I asked, "Why does the friend come by and distract me?"

"I think she's a part of your psyche trying to clean up the unconscious. This takes place in a time of darkness before the dawn, when you can't see things very clearly. She distracts you so the gardeners can get the fragile aspens out and then help clean up the unconscious to make room for your individuation."

I was finally doing it, getting ready for a new future and resolving the past -making room for new growth!