As You Lie Sleeping

As You Lie Sleeping I think about gratitude How deeply, quietly It lives in me This year has been heavy Pain pressed down in ways I couldn’t have imagined But still I’m grateful For everything I hold dear For the nights I lost To grief and rage The moments I cursed your father Through clenched exhaustion And quiet tears And then You lay your little head On my shoulder Eyes fluttering closed Like a whispered prayer I melt into you All my sharp edges Soften. I pause In the hush of that moment And feel it fully How deeply You’ve changed me I am grateful From the inside out For the way You love me In Motion Standing on the edge of a cliff My feet dance with the leftover inches That separate me from the rest of humanity The summer breeze sweeps its long lashes across my temple Gently, caressing my body leaving goosebumps A moment of steadiness as the wind embraces me in solidarity Like a first kiss, the moment is fleeting An understanding A knowing That even in the flames of mortality We all burn out eventually I breathe in deeply The scent of pine and vigilance Both soothes and exhausts my spirit A weary mind that will never find peace Empathy disembowels my senses by extorting my pain I hoover my foot over the edge Balancing motherhood, a marriage, and a 9-5 Frozen by movement I am trapped in the endless motion of maintaining Frantic panting As the adrenaline of looming deadlines and schedules Mingles with my perfectionism A deadly combination of approval and pride Erode my self-esteem like a rock bathing in a stream Repetitively seeking a moment of still water I allow my mind to wander The vast lush landscape calls out to me Ushering me forward The Sun rays illuminate the mirage Of silence awaiting over the edge for me And I hesitate   The grass sways in anticipation as I gather the last ounce of courage From my frail locked heart I spread my arms wide in a welcoming embrace and fall Backwards The deafening silence that grips My bones still leave me asking when When I open my eyes My child is laying upon me Laughing Moving to the sounds of nature, like I did I roll on my side to smile at my wild angel His eyes share an understanding that transcends my constant motion And for a brief moment I am as free As a flightless bird taking their first leap into the unknown   Inheritance An agonizing wound of envy and pain Resentment seeps oozing purulent drainage My fingers tremble as I scrape away the decay Another familial pain, I must lance to stay sane A splinter of exhaustion buried too deep to dig out Coupled with my father’s jointed hook of indignation The bitterness bursts from my throat like bile Purging through emotions that I’ve inherited long ago A bed is calling to me, a lullaby of indifference “If you love someone, let them sleep”, it speaks in hushed tones Reminding me that everyone needs a moment of their own Even when I don’t I peak around my bathroom door, to see my husband asleep I’ve been up for three hours cleaning this house i keep My child biting my ankles, the dogs scratching the door I go to lay us in bed, when blood starts dripping to the floor I start to feel the unrelenting pain An ache that time cannot ease A slow poison winding through my veins As I look to my body, I begin to shake A bloody hole is gaping open Right where my empathy used to be Tendrils of anger whip around me When the smoke clears, I can finally see This is my father’s anger coursing through me Bitterness laces my pulse, a slow dripping poison of disrespect Creeping into the place where I lay my head The pus of old resentment drains Pooling at my weary feet The ache, though raw, begins to dull As I cleanse the pain I will not keep Steam rises from scalding water Washing away the years of grief I stitch myself with thread of mercy Seal the cut with new belief