An Undiscussed Reality

It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. My mind and soul felt as if it was filled with complete darkness and this went on for no less than a month. Darkness to the point that all I can really even remember is well, just that, darkness. I could not pull myself out of bed for the life of me. I could barely meet my most basic needs. The only time I could gather enough energy was to use the washroom. I barely even had enough will to eat most of the time. My children had witnessed their typically happy and outgoing mother, fall into full out depression. Depression like I have never felt in my life. I say depression because it is the only thing that I can relate the experience to, having never felt it before. I didn’t know for sure though if it was depression I was experiencing. Perhaps it was a mixture of grief and stress that, this decision that I needed to make, was placing on me. Whatever it was, it just felt like too much to bear and they were feelings and emotions that I had never experienced before in my life. It was during this dark time that I had come to the decision that I needed to make. My time was up. It was now, or deal with the consequences that would follow if I didn’t. Before making any moves I needed answers, I needed guidance and most of all I needed support. I needed to hear both sides of the stories. I had discussed both sides of the stories with people who had opposing views and beliefs. And this helped me through the process of making this life altering decision. I know that there are so many others out there who may or may not have the kind of support I talk about in this book. And I also know that there are so many others who, or whatever reason, won’t talk about this at all regardless if they have the support or not. There is so much stigma and judgment around this topic that so many people might just be scared to discuss this, and understandably so. And well, I am here today to shed some light on my experience in hopes that it will help others. Those who want to talk about it, and those who don’t. And help them to come to a decision that best suits their needs. This decision not only altered my life and who I am as an individual. It altered the life of my children and each person who was important in our lives at the time. It was a decision that did not only affect me but others around me as well, and that much I was fully aware of. Although I was considerate of everyone else around me, it was still my decision, and my decision alone to make. Perhaps this is why this decision was so hard to make, though. Maybe it was the reason why it took me several weeks to make. It was by far, the biggest decision I have ever had to make in my entire life. And big decisions like this shouldn’t be taken lightly. It shouldn’t be easy. And a decision like this, absolutely came with pain. The pain that I felt was my mind and body’s way of telling how important this decision really was. The pain was indescribably strong. Pain so crippling that all I could see at the time was darkness. Not all pain is physical, but it may have been hard to tell at the time that it wasn’t physical pain but spiritual.