From Despair Into Healing

“A year ago, I wrote in my journal as I reflected on my words to some classmates from high school. I had shared a longer post on Facebook, then deleted it in a few minutes. (9/14/20) I was working on chapters for my new book. I had more sadness and depression last evening and this morning. I’m not sure what it all means. Taking time for more journaling, some right food, some exercises, some shopping. With you from CPHS, I confess I can make comparisons, and feel “less than” even though I have two graduate degrees, and in many ways my life has had so much blessing and good fortune. In Crown Point years, our family of nine lived in a very small house that I was ashamed of. And I never felt good enough to be with the “in crowd,” even when my grades were good enough to be accepted into the National Honor Society. In my senior year, I gained so much weight. Someone wrote a few days ago how the challenges for dialogue and conversation now don’t respond to our best efforts, and concluded: “we are up shit creek with a rubber paddle.” Yes, I agree with the “shit creek,” but I do think we have more than “rubber paddles.” Even though on many days we have to do some intentional work, and spend time building our collaboration in our communities of support, to be able to Jump into Hope. Even to see Hope. As Valarie Kaur has asked: Is this the darkness of the tomb? Or is it the darkness of the Womb? And it is both! About my life journey? Yes, I’ve had a lot of “shit creeks” to be in the middle of, to paddle through. And I thank God that in every year, with every loss or crisis, I’ve had some right “paddles” to help me keep on moving through. My “paddles” were/are: a faith in God of redeeming love (no belief in eternal hell – but yes, there are a lot of Hell places on this earth, and in many persons’ lives), caring family, pastors, very special friendships with women and men, church communities for meaningful worship and activities, music/gospel songs, counseling with expert therapists often, always studying and learning, and overall good physical health. I have so much to be grateful for. Even though on some mornings/days, I’m too good at complaining. A year later, and a book now ready for publishing, I want to write about my Hope. It has been another year of much learning, hours still of grieving and processing old losses, remembering the “shit creeks” of my life. I have more peace, more ability to move into my gratitude. I’m clear about my life and my calling. I’m clear about the purpose of writing this book. Like most can say in the mix of COVID, and so much that distresses me in the news, sometimes there is resistance in me to focus on the positives, even though I know how much brain help and spiritual value there is to practice and meditate on Gratitude. However, this day I can affirm: my life and my testimony are shared in this book with conviction that the love, gratitude, and truth expressed in my story will support profound healing and transforming Love. I share my journey with faith and forgiving, with prayers of gratitude for how God has brought me through all my 73 years. I join with all who work to bring forward peacemaking collaborations and healing paths for Truth and Reconciliation processes and commissions in our communities. We pray to reimagine a new America, a new world. I celebrate Valarie Kaur with the Revolutionary Love Project and Learning Hub; Rev. Jonathan Tremaine Thomas with Civil Righteousness; and Rev. William J. Barber, II, with Repairers of the Breach and the Poor People’s Campaign: A National Call for Moral Revival. Many urgently work for an America where racism ends and Beloved Community thrives for all. Brian W. Grant was Professor of Pastoral Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy at Christian Theological Seminary, Indianapolis, Indiana, and he published Schizophrenia, A Source of Social Insight.1 I found this book after my acute mental illness and hospitalization. It helped me to put my illness and my spiritual searching in perspective. Grant’s interpretation affirmed my experience. He proposed his theory: many ideas present in the “illness” show up and often are crucial problems needing attention in society, in families, in our theology, and faith interpretations. Grant concluded that acute mental “illness” is the person’s mental and spiritual attempt to find and make “solutions.” Often religious faith plays in the symbols and messages of the person's delusions, visions, hallucinations, obsessions, and altered state of reality. This was true for me at twenty years old in the Spring of 1969. In my psychotic state, I had visions of Jesus, and I thought I was a part of God’s plan to fix the world and help bring humankind to a time of peace. In that year our country was fighting a terrible war in Vietnam. For sure our Christian theology teaches, yes, all of us are part of the “answer.” We are called to surrender to God’s will, to seek guidance for our vocation, and to make a difference in the world for good. We are called to be peacemakers and “children of the light.” However, as we take on our work for “making a difference in the world,” we often see that our brokenness keeps us vulnerable. We pray and struggle to keep our confidence and peace, face to face with the presence of evil, loss, brokenness in relationships, despair, mental health issues, and mistakes. When I began studying theology and philosophy, my personal suffering and mental illness experience were at the heart of my inquiry. I needed answers, and I wanted to find and be a part of the “answer:” How to provide hope for the world, and hope for persons suffering with acute mental illness and all the pain and tragedy – the reality of this much evil and violence in the world, this much evil in my world. It is almost fifty-three years now since I bottomed out with acute mental illness, brain illness. My tears come again as I pray with a friend, and thank God for the Grace that has helped me to heal, recover, and forgive in all these years. Yes, my story is in the category of “miracle,” when I consider where I was at twenty. I can claim and share my testimony of so much Amazing Grace and so much healing in my recovery.