From the Disastrous Dating Files of Henley Gray

As I am tooling around the produce department finding some nice oranges and a fresh pineapple for the gourmet basket I catch a glimpse of someone that looks vaguely familiar. His back is to me so I dismiss it and keep looking for the perfect bunch of grapes. As I head over to the cracker and cookie aisle I pick out some of the fancy kinds that I can’t afford to buy for myself and place them in the cart. I spin around off in the direction of the candy aisle and bump my cart right into the back of the vaguely familiar form I saw back in produce. “Ouch, watch where you’re…” “Eli? Oh gosh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to bash into you! I wasn’t looking where I was going,” I quickly explain feeling foolish. He moves in to hug me and says, “Henley, I haven’t seen you in what three years? How have you been?” “I’ve been good, still working at Crescent Cove Flowers, in fact I’m shopping for work right now. I can’t chat long, lots to do.” I say trying to move along as I talk. He starts to follow me and so I feel compelled to ask how he has been. “So how have you been doing?” “I’m ok, just broke up with my girlfriend,” he says looking dejected. I give what I think are sufficient platitudes and scurry off in search of a box of chocolates and some fancy olives and jam. I keep glancing ahead and behind me to try to avoid another run in with him, literally or figuratively. Eli was the guy I dated the longest since my high school boyfriend Gabe. A whopping six months. He is a nice guy but there just wasn’t that, I can see this going somewhere, vibe and he had a few major flaws. Well my best friend Julia insists they weren’t that major but to me it was a deal breaker. What are these horrible traits you ask? He chewed with his mouth open and sniffed constantly. It drove me to the brink of insanity. I mean get a tissue or an allergy pill or something. We would be watching a movie and it would sound like I was sitting with a piglet. In retrospect considering the string of winners that have come after Eli I may have been somewhat rash in dumping him. There have been a few good ones in the meantime but I have done my best to run them off too, so it has been one long dry spell. I have a firm rule that I won’t let anyone see my tattoo if you know what I mean until we have dated at least three months. There have been lot of first dates and even a few one month tangos but no one since Eli has endured Henley Gray more than ninety days. I try not to dwell on that as I unload all my things at the checkout. The rain may finally be coming! See, I am finally in a sort of normal relationship with a nice guy named Marcus Grey, and no the irony of his last name is not lost on me. I sort of feel like any potential future nuptial arrangement would be a logistical nightmare. Can you imagine the DMV lady trying to understand why I am coming in to change my last name by one letter? I mean what is it with gray and grey anyway? Don’t they mean the same thing? When we first started going out and I was in the ‘scribble your first name with the boy’s last name in your notebook’ phase I felt a little short changed. I mean how romantic is writing Henley Grey instead of Henley Gray. See what I mean? That episode prompted a little research. When I discovered that Gray with an A is the more American spelling and Grey with an E is the official British spelling I felt a little better. Who doesn’t love listening to a hot British guy talk? Except Marcus doesn’t have a British accent, but at least I can imagine his ancestors using a nice thick British brogue and I am reminded of a Shakespearean Sonnet and I feel all is not lost. That particular thought again comforts me as I pay the clerk at the checkout. I met Marcus when he came in with his mom to order funeral flowers for his great aunt who had passed away. She was ninety-two and had lived a nice long life and died in her sleep. You really can’t flirt with a man that comes in to bury his wife, girlfriend, or mother. That is seriously bad karma, and even though I don’t believe in karma I don’t want to test anything either. When it is their ninety-two year old great aunt they are fair game! He was so cute. He didn’t really flirt back much when he came in that first time, but he returned the next day to ask a few more questions, about details we had already tacked down. Then he came in the following Monday to send flowers to his neighbor that had broken her leg. Of course he could have called the order in. I wasn’t fooled. I also wasn’t upset. Every time he left the girls and I broke out into our normal girl gossip about a cute guy that had a good personality. That is part of the combo I look for. Now Macie she only looks for cute, hence the relationships with men that drain her bank account. We get lots of good looking ones in the shop, but they are either taken or a jerk. This one appeared to have two out of the four criteria I look for in a possible man. On his next visit we confirmed that he met all four of the ‘Ideal Man’ criteria: 1. cute 2. good personality 3. employed 4. available When the bell over the door chimed, and Janice saw who it was, she practically shoved me up to the counter to wait on him. When I asked how I could help him he told me he came in to order flowers for another teacher that had just had a baby. So check box number three, employed! A teacher, good stand up job, I like that. You might be wondering about that last box, available, but Mr. Charming had the good sense to mention that, “My girlfriend usually would do stuff like this for me but we broke up four months ago.” I was elated, I mean four months is a totally acceptable time frame to go after a guy and not worry about being the rebound girl right?