A Child's Legacy
A mother faced with the unbearable pain of losing her child
by
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The lamb on the cover I drew from a figurine that sits on a table in my living room. It has been there for 23 years and is a loving remembrance of my sweet daughter, Amy Nicole. Introduction A Child’s Legacy is not a “how to” book, nor is it an attempt to answer the question “why”. It is about my wonderful daughter, Amy, and my journey through losing her. It is about the joy of a life living within me, the excitement of the day I went into labor, knowing I was soon to hold my baby in my arms, the heart ache of finding out there was something terribly wrong with my little one, the hope that everything still will be alright, and then the pain that pierced my heart the moment Amy was gone. There are no words to describe that horrible, heart wrenching feeling. In spite of the pain and struggles, this journey has been one of hope, comfort, and surprise. The Lord has revealed Himself to me and showed me what a wonderful and loving Father He is. This same journey is waiting for you. My Prayer for You If you are reading this book then my heart is breaking for you and I have wept for you. I have wept for the loss of the little one that you are not able to hold right now. I want you to know that I have been praying for you. Praying the Father is gently holding you, comforting you, wiping your tears away as they flow, and has started to heal your broken heart and shattered dreams. I have been praying that you will have the courage and strength to allow the Father to take you down this path that you do not want to go, but must. I pray that you will not harden your heart but remain workable clay in the Potter’s hands. Time has not healed my broken heart but the Lord comforts me. I will always have empty arms for my precious little one that is not here to fill them. I have found that there is great comfort in knowing I will see my sweet Amy Nicole one day again. I hold on to that promise with all that is within me. I pray that you will come to know this promise as well. Amy’s Legacy Dear Heavenly Father I know You did not take my little girl To cause someone to come unto You I know You did not take my little girl To cause me to become closer to You I know You did not take my little girl To bring Glory unto You I know You did not take my little girl Even though she is in Your arms not mine Yes, someone will come unto You Yes, it will cause me to become closer to You Yes, it will bring Glory unto You Yes, she will be in my arms one day again Why Because as I choose to stay tender hearted and remain Workable clay in Your Hands these things will come to pass For in my weakness I am made strong Thank you Father for this special child You have blessed me with I wrote the poem “Amy’s Legacy” in response to the books that meaningful friends gave me explaining why God took my child. I would glance through them and try to read them but a torrent of pain would rip through my heart and instead of offering me hope they left me crushed. Did you ever have anyone come up to you and say, “It was probably for the best,” or “God is in control,” or “He knows what He is doing,” or “He has His reasons,” or “He will make you stronger ,” or He will never give you more than you can bear”? Really? I just lost my child! This is MORE than I can ever bear! On the outside I would put on the “smile”, but on the inside my broken heart full of pain would be screaming, “I don’t care about coming closer to the Lord or becoming stronger. I don’t care about anyone else. Are you really saying He took my child to get my attention or help someone else? I don’t care about God’s will, ways or glory. I just want my baby back in my arms! I want people to stop telling me why!” When I finally came to the Lord about this through my tears and broken heart I told Him I did not care about anyone else or me or His glory at the extreme and unacceptable expense of my baby being taken from me! I realized then I had a choice to make. I could keep my pain and become hard towards the Lord and everyone else. (But what about my other children, how could I be a good mother to them if I chose this road?) OR I could give my pain to the Lord and allow His merciful healing to start comforting my heart. (Was I capable of going against my most basic of feelings? Could I accept that I might not ever have an answer to the question why? Could I let go of my right to be angry and was life still worth living without my child?) The road I chose was one of healing. Is it an easy road? Frankly, no it is not! It is one of letting go and taking back and letting go again. It’s trusting the Father one minute and then wanting the answers to why the next minute and not getting them. It’s a road that is mixed with pain filled tears and tears of joy, love, longing, healing, promise, silence and thankfulness. It’s a road where the Father catches them all!
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About the Book
Has anyone ever told you that it is completely appropriate and acceptable to be angry? To ask why? Why my child, and why my family? To feel and think that this is unfair! To say, “This is unbearable”! You are right. It is unbearable. You just lost your child! You may cry all the time and feel you cannot handle anything. You may be unable to cry because the pain is so deep. No one can possibly understand the depth of pain you are in and the question you ask every day, “How am I going to get through this without my baby?” This is the question no one else hears, but it echoes in your mind and heart at every waking moment. Everything you are thinking, feeling and saying the Father’s shoulders are big enough to handle it all. This life is filled with pain and sorrow. We were never promised that we would not be touched by it, but the Father does promise to be with us every step of the way. To hold us, to cry with us and to carry us through! There are pages at the end of A Child’s Legacy waiting for you to pour your heart out onto them. What will your child’s legacy be? These are some heart felt thoughts from those that have lost their own precious little ones and then have read A Child’s Legacy. “It’s beautiful, powerful and cathartic. Your words regarding how the commitment to trusting in God’s strength and healing power is not a battle with a finite end were especially relatable to me. So often I try to categorize the birth and death of my child as something I WENT through, instead of acknowledging it is something I am GOING through. It was wonderful to read those words I have thought so many times coming from someone else. I think your words could be a service to so many grieving parents.” -Amanda Heckelsberg Wolfe “It’s such a moving and poignant tribute to Amy Nicole and a Mother’s love. You wrote straight from the depths of your heart with openness and honesty. Anyone just beginning this journey of grief can read your book and know that you understand. You’ve turned something terrible into a ministry that gives others walking this path hope. I don’t know if you’re conscious of it or not, but the utter grief you expressed at losing your daughter shortly after birth shows the tremendous value of LIFE. How precious is your Amy Nicole and how precious is every life. Thank you for sharing your heart with us all!” -Michele Almquist
About the Author
Dorene Fort grew up in the beautiful hills of up-state New York and graduated from Christ for the Nations, Institute in Dallas, Tx, 1978. She has seven amazing children and is extremely blessed with nine beautiful grandchildren. Even among such blessings Dorene has experienced great loss. A Child’s Legacy is the journey that she began in December of 1990, when she lost her daughter, Amy Nicole, shortly after she was born. Amy is her fifth child. Indianapolis, Indiana has been Dorene’s home for the past 27 years.