Confessions of a Christian

In the Moment 
Matthew 18:17 – The woman asked Peter, “Aren’t you one of Jesus’ disciples?” 
“No,” he said, “I am not.” 
Matthew 18:25 - 27 - Meanwhile, as Simon Peter was standing by the fire, they asked him again, “Aren’t you one of his disciples?” 
“I am not,” he said. 
But one of the household servants of the high priest, a relative of the man whose ear Peter had cut off, asked, “Didn’t I see you out there in the olive grove with Jesus?” 
Again Peter denied it. And immediately a rooster crowed. 
Did I really just say that? I know I am going to regret that later. Why couldn’t I have taken a deep breath, counted to 10, said a silent prayer, or something, ANYTHING, other than a flurry of blame, shame and fault at someone who does not deserve it? Maybe I am tired, because some things in my day did not turn out like I had planned or visualized. 
I start my day with a silent prayer, an s-t-r-e-t-c-h after I stand up, and a motivation based on a new day and the challenges therein. After helping the kids get organized, energized, and off to school, (all the while hoping and praying against all odds that things go smoothly –no arguments or meltdowns, no vomit or missed bus) I am off to work. I have an agenda – emails, phone calls, classes, and hopefully that will all go smoothly also (I will like the way my emails are worded and received, phone calls will be comfortable, people will show up for classes, no unwelcome issues, etc.) 
Usually, a combination of these things joins forces to make up the day, and part of me loves the challenge they bring. However, when I get home after work, and am faced with kids who had a similar day but perhaps can’t articulate it to themselves or others in a way that allows them to honestly accept it, tension pulls up a chair, eventually rises and holds court… 
“What do you mean I have to do homework AND chores before I go outside!?” 
“I forgot my assignment and worksheets, so I can’t do my homework.” 
“Who ate the last cookie!?” 
“I need $10.00 for this and it is due tomorrow. “ 
Is there legitimate shame, blame and fault that should be leveled at the above conspirators, working like woodpeckers to chip away at the shield of patience, knowledge, and resources that as a parent I am supposed to have? (I don’t actually claim to possess any more than an average amount of the above virtues, but they think I do…) Is there a way that I could simply, patiently respond to this barrage, and leave the responsibility to each individual? Or will the screeching voices, building tears, and desperate needs be too much for me to keep my voice down and shield intact…? 
“YES, YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR CHORES AND I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK! 
“GREAT! WEREN’T YOU LISTENING WHEN THE TEACHER ASSIGNED YOUR HOMEWORK, AND DIDN’T YOU PUT IT IN A PLACE WHERE YOU WOULDN’T FORGET IT ON YOUR WAY TO THE BUS??? 
Tension carries the afternoon; shoulders droop, and regret sets in. Why can’t I be stronger, even in the middle of my up and down day? Momentary silence sets in, my shoulders stay drooped in defeat, my eyes close, and my hands cover and massage my temples in an effort to recharge… and silent thoughts run through my mind… 

Boy, I wish so much that I hadn’t responded with raised voice, blame and shame. Why could I not just take a deep breath, say a silent prayer? I should pray now, but everything is already ruined. I blew it .I wanted that stress – free moment in the middle of my day just like I want that chocolate sugar rush at the end of a busy work week. I don’t want to come before my Heavenly Father, full of regret and guilt ridden. What would He think of me?
But wait a minute. I have been told all of my life that I can come before Him broken, frustrated, tired, desperate, and not only will His shoulders not droop in defeat, His arms will spread apart and He will simply say, “I’ve been waiting.” I could be more responsible, organized, and less self-centered. I deserve shame, blame, and fault. But is God going to raise His voice and cover me in as much? No. He will cover me in love, patience, and understanding that I don’t possess on near the same level. I want to love like God loves, but I need Him to do it. Let’s try this again… 
Tension rises, shoulders droop, but eyes close…”God, please give me the calm and the strength that the events of the day have taken hold of, and guide me through a patient, loving response to the concerns of each of my children, also cloaked in the ups and downs of their day. Amen.” 
“Yes, your homework and chores need to come first or they might not get done. I would love to help you with your homework if you need it, but let’s have a snack first. What, no cookies? Well, on our way to get your assignment from your desk, for which you can pay me a dollar because this is your responsibility, we can stop and get a new package of cookies. We can also stop at the bank to get your field trip money, but next time, come to me before you are in desperate need.” Sounds like a lesson for me, as well. 

Study Questions 
1) How often do you find yourself unable to move past the day’s events without regret? 
2) How do you deal with regret vs. daily realities in your circumstances? 
3) How does the realization that God knows you are feeling regret and still wants to use you, as much as He does anyone else, make you feel? 
4) For more on moving forward with regret, see John 21: 15-25 and find an example of Jesus’ endless grace. 
5) Pray: Dear God, we all have feelings of regret, and this won’t be my last time. I believe you want to use me, and that you want me to feel valuable. Help me to open my heart to you, and even in a broken state, continue on with my circumstances as your beloved, valued disciple. Amen.