The Voices Within

One day I was very hungry, nothing was cooked as of yet and I was famished. I decided to cook oats on the stove; after all, I was a girl. As a girl, it was expected of me to learn how to cook. Since no one would assist me, I was set on accomplishing the task on my own. I could not read nor comprehend at eight years old; as a result, everything was topsy-turvy. Two tablespoons of salt, I added six of those heaping spoons into the oats to boil. Sugar, three table spoons, I added two teaspoons. I was so proud of my creation that my aunt wanted some when it was done. My beautiful creation was so salty that one could not even feed it to the pigs or the swine my aunt kept behind her house. I gave her a bowl and she swore aloud "Fuck! What the hell is this thing you gave me to eat?" "Your father should be here to eat this, he would bust your skinny little ass for this shit you call food." "You will finish that bowl of slop, you have in there and all of it." I was in tears, my dad was not home to help me, no one wanted to assist me in cooking, so I did it by myself and it turned out like total poison. What a Cruel woman. She threw away her oats and I was required to eat all of mine. What a scene she made when dad arrived home. He tasted it and only told me to make a sandwich the next time I was hungry, rubbed my head with a smile on his face and that was the end of that. The food went into the garbage, pot and all never to be a topic of discussion again. "Oh my good golly God!" Taunted the voices in my head. "You need to see mother Mary right now about being a girl." Again, I did work for church. Ran errands to the Christmas bureau and conducted all the paper work that was handed down to me from another church member. Is there no one else in this church with hands, feet, mouth, brain, car, positive attitude, or any kind of attitude that is capable of doing any portion of the work that is placed upon my shoulders to do on a daily basis? I did not know it then that I was experiencing a fall from cloud nine and I had reached the ground and beyond. Back to see the doctors, several of them and they all diagnosed me as being Bipolar. What surprises me now was the fact all of these years of hearing voices and a time bomb in my head was the beginnings of my meltdown. Bipolar Disorder? What is that? A disease like Lupus or Leukemia? I thought I had heard that name once before when I was nineteen. Is it bad? Will it go away? This obviously left me with many questions, questions that only a trained professional would be qualified to answer. " guess I should not blame myself for growing accustom to such neglect from my first wife Kris of six years. However when events change suddenly in one's life there is the conclusion that yes I was being abused even though there was not a single physical mark on my body. this is my first Christmas away from such a destructive marriage and folks are trying to make it a good one for me because of all the verbal and emotional abuse I have and will continue to face until the divorce is actually finalized. God bless these wonderful people because it has been one awesome Christmas. Finally, I decided to put my foot forward, join eHarmony, and find me a husband. I began the application in early February and decided in May to finally sit down and complete it. I also decided to escape from the verbal abuse and take another trip back to my famous hotel in Niagara Falls. I was determined at this point to meet someone. God is there someone out there for me, am I dune to live this life of a broken heart, lonely day after day with no one to come home too, no one to pray with, no soul mate, no life partner. I just don't understand how people are content to be alone all their lives and go through life with no one to share lives beautiful moments or share lifes up and downs with. . . . I just feel so down. I know when God takes one thing away that he has something better down the road. but I am still having a hard time just letting go of certain things and it really hurts, my heart feels like it is destroyed. I have a hard time with heart matters. It has been four years since I made the final choice to divorce Kris but I still feel like sitting down and having a good cry. I painstakingly attempted the night before the wedding to apply my fake nails, something other girls would consider beautiful. This particular day in the hotel hot tub located next to the swimming pool, my carefully apply nails were beginning to come apart. Unfortunately, for me there was this lovely couple from London England soaking it up in there with me. My agony was coming off, one by one, they decided to rise to the surface of the water and I am scrambling to collect them before anyone notices what was happening. Yes, I caught them in time before a single one of this could drift across the hot tub to my visitor’s seat.