You Are Your Own Inspiration

After my husband had left for his post, and having found out the most horrible news of his affair, my emotions went completely hay-wired. I was so confused, insecured, scared, and emotionally unstable. It became unbearable almost to the point that suicidal thoughts were inevitable. I cried almost endlessly at nights thinking so much about everything! There were times when my baby would wake up at night crying for reasons I don’t know that drove me insane. I would start yelling at my baby, and then I would just leave her to cry until she vomited. Then I would get angry at her again for vomiting! Furthermore, I was already stressed out about getting enough sleep as I also had to wake up early to get ready for work. It was bad, for I know I reacted out of selfishness. I would end up feeling a lot of regret the next morning. I never intended to hurt anyone that I love, especially my baby. With all those depressed emotions that I was feeling, I can still feel a certain resistance in me, like something is telling me that I CAN control what I am feeling. I guess that was why I never went too far in hurting my baby. I always knew that, among all those depressed emotions, I am still capable of love. It was a constant fight and struggle between the good and the evil inside me at that time. That was why I was able to control myself. However, it was a constant struggle, considering that I didn’t express any of what I went through with anyone. Postpartum depression, or depression, generally, is something that is not to be neglected or ignored. It is something that we, as mothers or adults, must be aware that depression does exist within us. If we cannot control it, we should seek help. Even taking the initiative to talk to someone about it is a very essential first step to overcoming depression. It can be very difficult to take this first step. But once we do, we know we have taken the initiative to conquer our problems and it is a single progress that can make a difference. Knowing that I am not one to share so much about my emotions with anyone, I made a small expression about my depression to my mother. She, too, once had that same experience after she had given birth to one of my siblings. Having shared this with someone, you can certainly feel a lot better knowing that you are not alone in this situation. For your sake and your baby’s, or your family’s, it is very important to try and be open about it. You must never try to be in denial about this condition. For me, reading that book written by Brooke Shields, gave me a lot of warning signs and I was able to somewhat “save” myself from more agony in my life considering what I also had to face in my marriage at that same time. And thankfully, I never once had any more “baby blues” after I had my second child. Indeed, having children can give us an even greater strength that exists within us, especially as mothers. This “even greater strength” that I felt, as a mother, was the result of gradually developing confidence in my first daughter’s growth development. My daughter was first diagnosed with autism when she was about three years old. Autism was not something that my husband and I were aware of. We never knew much about this condition in children or the possibility of having a child with this condition. I, for one, certainly had not much of a clue of what it was.