The Harrowing Medical Journey of a Cancer Survivor
by
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Undergoing Major Surgery The radical cystectomy, the complex surgery to remove my bladder and reconstruct a new one, was scheduled almost immediately after the MSKCC [Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center] cystoscopy, the examination of the bladder under anesthesia. I was terrified. I entered the hospital the day before the surgery to prepare for it. The fear---like a ball beginning in my stomach and growing larger as it rose to smother out every other feeling---began days before my son took me to the hospital in the morning. I had never had major surgery and on the next morning, at 6 a.m., I was to be wheeled into the operating room, have my pelvis and abdomen sliced open, an organ cut out of my body, and a new bladder constructed from part of my intestine. I tried to keep a lid on the terror as I settled into the room, changing into the hospital gown and sitting on the bed in my side of the MSKCC hospital room divided from a roommate by a heavy curtain. I begin to drink the distasteful, required fluid from the half-gallon jug which was to clean out my bowels. In the early afternoon, my friends and family began to arrive. I was so glad to see them and felt so strengthened by their presence that the terror began to recede and, as they surrounded me, almost disappear. Without them, I couldn’t have gotten through the day. Surrounding me were my brother and sister-in-law who had driven in from New Hampshire and some close friends who had driven in from upstate New York and the Berkshires in Massachusetts to help me through this. (A few years ago, I had bought a charming cottage in the Berkshires, which I loved and doted on. I had several close friends there.) Other close friends, those who lived in the city, had also arrived. The presence of people I loved was ultra supportive and soothing. And sometimes that afternoon I was even able to join in on the jokes about the foul-tasting fluid I had to drink glass-by-glass the entire afternoon and evening. I felt like I was at a party; not in a hospital room hours away from being cut open on an operating table. When they left in the evening after visitors hours were over, I was very nearly asleep and almost---almost---relaxed. But very early the next morning the terror was back. The surgery was minutes away. But my son, my brother and my friends were also back. And very soon a nurse entered the room, injected me with something that was soon to put me into a deep sleep. Minutes later the transport bed arrived. I was transferred to it and wheeled out of my hospital room, into the elevator and onto another floor. My family and friends followed me. Without them, the terror would have overwhelmed me. I felt it would have been so powerful, I would have been off the stretcher and fleeing from the hospital. When I was wheeled into the anteroom of the operating room, my brother and son, who were allowed to accompany me to the inner doors, repeatedly assured me I was going to be fine. I watched the doors close between us, trying to control my mounting, uncontrollable terror. Then, I was asleep. Sex From the time I got the diagnosis of the reoccurrence of cancer just below my kidneys, I was fortunate to have a wonderful lover. Not only did he have a strong sex drive, he was deeply sensual and tender. Even more important, he was a good friend. Every time---throughout this cancer journey, with its unexpected twists and unknown finalities---I’d been hospitalized, he was there with visits, phone calls, and get-well cards (which included subtle references to our sensuality). I was in “like”---and in “lust”---with him. I looked forward to our lovemaking. Not only was he a wonderfully expert and pleasure-giving lover, he was also extremely loving to my scarring body. I was very apprehensive about the first time I was undressed with him after my bladder surgery. I was toned and nicely muscled from my regular workouts---which I continued because I knew it would keep my body strong and at maximum health to undergo my second major surgery---but I had a huge scar from just my belly button to my public hair from the surgery removing my the bladder surgery. I was ashamed of and embarrassed by it. I dreaded the first time he looked at it. But the first time he saw it, he said, “it’s beautiful. I’m going to kiss it.” And he did, several times, and relief flooded me. And happiness. I was still a sexual being, able to pleasure and be pleasured. Then, there was the first time we made love after I had that nephrostomy tube sticking a few inches up out of the top of my left buttock. Beforehand, I had wondered if he would find me repellent because of it. I had warned him during dinner that it was there. But, when we were undressed and in bed, he hardly took note of it except to be very careful not to injure it. And, to my great pleasure, he showered kisses around it. Unfortunately, more scars and another tube were yet to come. But it was wonderful, throughout this torturous time, to know that my body was still lovable and desired and that my feminine sexuality and womanhood was still intact. It was deeply comforting to me through these harrowing months and I looked forward to our erotic hours together, enjoying them increasingly and lingering over them in my mind’s eye afterwards. And because it could be such a delightful and delicious diversion from the constant anxiety of coping with cancer, sex was strongly encouraged by the cancer-group therapist and in a number of the cancer books I had read.
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About the Book
The Harrowing Medical Journey of a Cancer Survivor is the story of one woman’s courageous and, at times page-turning, story coping with a severe illness that lasted more than a decade. It began with a diagnosis of low-grade bladder cancer and ended with the removal and/or reconstruction of vital organs. Although the story is specific to bladder cancer and its aftermath, it covers aspects inherent in any serious, and sometimes life-threatening, illness. Typical emotions experienced during such a frightening illness are discussed: anger, hope, depression, fear, anxiety, and, yes, even pleasure and satisfaction. Successful (and not so successful) ways of coping with these difficult emotions are also discussed, covering such aspects as cancer groups and psychotherapy, the support of family and close friends, and assertiveness with “bossy” medical personnel. There are over seventy-three thousand cases of bladder cancer a year in the United States. In some cases, simple surgery to remove the tumors will be the only treatment. In other cases, the bladder may be removed and a new one reconstructed from a section of large intestine. In still other cases, as in the author’s, the bladder cancer can metastasize, or spread, to other organs. About 5 percent of people in the United States with bladder cancer will die from it. The good news is that less people are dying from it each year. Although The Harrowing Medical Journey of a Cancer Survivor is a story about the treatment and, finally, cure or bladder cancer, it should be helpful to anyone living through a difficult, possibly life-threatening, illness. Topics are covered that apply to anyone going through such an illness—topics such as undergoing major surgery; choosing the great (as well as the inadequate) doctors and surgeons; finances; staying fit; nutrition; the anxious wait for reports (like CT scans and biopsies); chemotherapy; the dread of inevitable treatments, like dialysis; and transplants. In addition, and because the author is a novelist, this story is often gripping and non-put-downable.
About the Author
Nina Kramer is a published novelist who went through a terrifying and decade-long medical journey that began with a diagnosis of low-grade bladder cancer and concluded with high-grade cancer in the kidney areas and the removal and/or reconstruction of vital organs. Because she had some of the best medical and surgical care in America, she not only lived but eventually thrived with all her former energy restored. She wrote this memoir of her medical journey—which, at times, is as suspenseful as a medical thriller—in the hope that it would be helpful to other people going through difficult, and often terrifying, illnesses. During her illness, and while under the care of her urology surgeon and nephrologist, she undertook an arduous trip across China as research for her current work in progress, a novel set in modern China. Nina Kramer has had various positions (from journals manager to assistant vice president) with medical, scientific, and technical publishers to support herself while she wrote fiction. She received the following review for her published novel, Architects of Violence: Sculptors of Peace: “A rich, powerful international thriller . . . [It] is a testament to [the author’s] beliefs . . . in the power of love, forgiveness, and family to overcome most things. . . . This exciting, highly plotted book revolves around the lives of several women . . . and the world around them—a world of intrigue, violence and the Mafia. . . . Nina Kramer, who has a love for sculpture and architecture, has incorporated realistic settings and artistic, sculptural details throughout the book” (Nanci Race, The Artful Mind). Nina Kramer lives in Manhattan, New York, and Stockbridge, Massachusetts. When she isn’t writing, she can be routinely found working out in the gym or playing tennis. Many evenings and afternoons she spends pursuing her passionate interests: movies, theater, and dance. She is divorced and has one son.