Bright Eyed Wonder

First Impressions Even though I was able to get a glimpse of Brayden as he was being transferred from the OR to the NICU (I didn’t realize then that my vocabulary would be so tremendously expanded or that my family would use so many acronyms on a daily basis), I didn’t get a really good look at him. All that mattered to me at the time was that he was alive. He had a chance at life. Late the next morning, I was finally able to make the trip to the NICU from the post-partum wing. A hospital escort took my mom and me down to the NICU where we had to learn the whole scrubbing in procedure. As we were led down the halls of the NICU, I saw so many babies in isolettes and little cribs. I was overwhelmed by the number of machines, tubes, wires, and beeps. Filled with trepidation and excitement (who isn’t excited to meet his or her child for the first time?), we approached Brayden’s isolette. Nothing can prepare a parent for seeing his or her child in that condition. My poor baby was so tiny and frail. His face wasn’t fully visible due to the tubes from the ventilator. He had tubes going through the stub of his umbilical cord and a pulse-ox monitor (measures the amount of oxygen in his blood) wrapped around his little foot. He was being nourished through the tubes in his umbilical cord since his digestive system wasn’t ready for milk yet. His coloring was a robust pink, the best color we would see on him for the next 6 months. I was never so thankful to have a wheelchair with me as I was during our first meeting. To this day, I couldn’t tell you if I was overcome with a mix of fear and joy or if it was the temperature in the NICU combined with recent surgery, but suddenly, I wasn’t able to stand any longer. An escort was called to take me back to my room. This entire first encounter only lasted about 20 minutes; I felt like as his mother, I should have been able to stay there all day and never leave his side. It was devastating to realize that time with my son would be so limited. Later that day, we met Brayden’s first neonatologist, Dr. Calme for the first time. My labor was so fast the day before; I was in the OR before a doctor could come talk to me and try to prepare me for what I was going to experience. The doctor was so nice and rather optimistic. He told me that based on his evaluations of Brayden, he was thinking that I was further along in the pregnancy than 25 weeks and that Brayden had about an 80% chance of surviving. To me, this was the best news that I could have hoped for, I was elated and convinced that my baby was going to sail right through this premature thing and be just fine. How wrong I was! The First Week (Feb 17-24) It’s really amazing how quickly something so surreal can become so routine. I was discharged two days after giving birth to Brayden, and right away, my life was routinely turned upside down. I would get up in the morning, express breast milk, get my older son (James was only two) ready for the day and off to daycare, get showered and head to the hospital. Once I was at the hospital, the check in and scrub in process would begin. I would hurry back to Brayden’s isolette in his little area of the NICU and sit by the covered plastic box, occasionally peeking in at my littlest man. You couldn’t look too often because the isolette was covered to keep him in a dark environment. They really try to recreate the womb for preemies. At first, I was afraid to touch him. His little body was so incredibly frail and his skin was extremely delicate. I just wanted to pick him up and cuddle him and tell him that everything was going to be OK, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be able to hold him for several weeks. One of the first nurses that I met took some time to show me how to comfort him. Cupping one hand over his head and forehead and using the other to constrain his legs and provide just a little pressure, pushing his legs towards his body would give him the feeling that he was safe and in the womb. I was amazed at how well this worked. Of course, you had to be really careful not to stroke him in any way as this would actually hurt his sensitive skin. My days were spent in a blur, sitting by Brayden’s isolette, listening in on the doctors’ rounds, and expressing breast milk. Fortunately, my mother was with me during this very difficult time. She kept me company and provided support during these long hours in the NICU. We would only leave to eat lunch and then to be home in time to pick James up from daycare. We anxiously awaited test results and reports from the doctors. One of the first tests he had to have completed was an ultrasound of his brain to check for hemorrhaging. I was thrilled to get the results that showed absolutely no bleeding in his brain! This was the absolute best news we could have hoped to hear. This first week of Brayden’s life presented so many moments of feeling completely helpless and being overcome with worry, and yet, there were moments of joy and elation. Hearing Brayden’s first cry when he was born was one of those moments. Seeing him with so many tubes and wires and hooked up to a ventilator left me distraught. Looking back, as difficult as this week was, the intense emotional roller coaster that we were going to experience hadn’t even begun yet.