For the Love of Grief

That which I know with complete certainty of Grief: 1. Grief shapes and influences how we adapt in our lives from the time of our birth. 2. It is possibly the most common emotion we will encounter throughout our entire lives. 3. Everything from our age to whom or what we have lost plays a role in how we survive our Grief. 4. The term Grief encompasses a summation of the many and various emotions we will incur in the course of our healing. 5. We can only heal from our Grief when we choose to allow our lives to change to accommodate that which we have lost. 6. Grief has the ability to rule our lives if we choose not to rule our Grief. 7. Grief does not play by any set of rules; it feeds from life’s circumstances often re-instating itself when we least expect it. 8. The natural order of life and of love is as central in how we grieve as the cause of our loss. 9. Grief is never ending; it does not simply dissolve one day and never return. 10. Those we have loved and lost live within us now; it is our responsibility to provide them with a safe, warm, happy dwelling filled with love, nurturing, and joy. A note to the readers: I wrote this book as a series of short essays intentionally. I know how it feels to grieve. I know that our concentration level is somewhat undermined by the distress we feel inside while we muddle through the days, weeks, and months after we lose someone we love. Therefore, I designed it in a way that most of the titles can be read in short time spans of less than five minutes. I also titled each essay to describe a specific state of Grief’s existence so you could find the appropriate essay with ease. Thus, I invite you to go to the Table of Contents and find what applies to you or what you are feeling in the here and now, read that particular chapter, close the book, and set it aside. Later, you may want to pick it up again and read a different one, or you may want to re-read the one you have already read. Then, too, just as a distraction from what you are feeling, you may opt to read one that does not apply at all. Do this at your leisure. My insight does not come from years of studying Grief philosophies. I did not earn a degree in psychology or psychiatry. I am not a Grief therapist or counselor. I am not an expert. I am merely someone who has experienced and witnessed Grief in its many and various ways of presenting itself. Furthermore, I am one person and one perspective. I have not followed a thousand cases to gather enough data to say that I have the most likely thoroughfare that a normal grieving person must, most likely, or should experience or feel. In addition, I am the first to say that I do not expect you to agree with me in everything I have written. In fact, I am not sure that I always agree with me, so your opinion is worthy and justifiable. Please note that I have tried to keep biblical and religious references to a minimum. I did so not because I do not believe in God. I personally feel I have a strong and intimate relationship with Him. I do not deny His existence or His teachings, nor do I negate that life is a gift from Him. A gift, I might add, that sometimes we do not so much fully appreciate. Thus, I will tell you that the marketplace is full of books containing scriptural quotations and anecdotes, and supportive commentaries. If that is what you truly need at this time, I highly encourage you make such a purchase. You may even want to consult with your local funeral director and clergyman for a few recommendations. I would also like to point out that this book is not written in the context of one exacting loss. I have endured many visits from the Grim Reaper. I will admit that some encounters took a greater toll than others did, but to choose just one and make it my focus would not work for me. In truth, I have written this book about the realism of Grief: how we come to grieve and why, how it effects us and when, how it alters us, and how we survive its driving forces. I hope that you find it useful. I advise that the most important thing to remember in processing through your Grief is that not every day will be as trying as the today you are living. My greatest intention, however, is that you will find some peace within your heart as I have. Essentially, that is truly the whole rationale of experiencing Grief in the first place, but that feeling will take time. I can promise that there will be sunnier days ahead where the sound of laughter will once again bring a smile to your lips, a twinkle in your eyes, and a glow in your heart if that is how you truly desire your life to be. My Heart is like a Cherry Pie Years ago, I watched a commercial for a pre-made pie crust. The advertisement demonstrated the ease of baking a delectable pie quickly and efficiently without the mess of a flour-strewn counter top. When they were finished, the commentators removed this luscious, deep-dish, piping hot cherry pie from the oven. The crust, of course, was a perfect shade of golden brown, and through its latticed cover, one could see its juices bubbling out a succulent aroma. Of course, I immediately rushed out to the nearest grocery store, made all of the appropriate purchases, and took them home. I swiftly assembled the ingredients with a little skepticism. How could anything pre-made have momma’s touch or flavor? However, true to their word when I completed my objective, I had a beautiful pastry oozing its luscious scent gracing my nice clean countertop. After it had cooled for a short while, I cut a wedge from its circumference and admired my handiwork. I took my time eating it as I savored every warm sourly sweet bite. I must admit that I found it sincerely delicious. When I had devoured every savory crumb, I stood up to put my dish in the sink. Nonchalantly, I glanced over at the pie plate and noticed this huge gaping hole in my picture of perfection. I glared at this wretched abomination filled with remorse while I silently considered my options. Clearly, I could have covered it with a towel and pretended that the gap simply was not there. The benefit would have been that I did not have to visually witness the gross disfigurement. However, the reality was that below that towel the missing piece would still be missing. Then, too, I could have filled it with another kind of pie, perhaps apple or peach, but neither of those selections would have been the same as the original. Alternatively, I could have discarded it completely so that I would not have had to feel the guilt of diminishing its previous distinction. Although several options presented themselves, ultimately, I settled for yet another choice. I proudly smiled in recognition of the fact that I had had the monumental opportunity to savor the taste that would remain in my memories for all of time. I think of that pie now from time to time comparing it to my whole heart. It, too, was once an object of perfection. However, I have lost many of those whom I have loved and through those losses, I have found that pieces of my heart are missing from within me. Hiding from them could be an option, but in that, I must then deny that that love ever existed. I cannot fill those gaps, nor can I substitute one someone for another someone. In addition, under no circumstance would I ever wish to discard the memories I have gathered in the course of having had had the opportunity to love those individuals in the first place. Therefore, while the perfection of that pie and my heart are now flawed, my life has been made more complete in having had experienced a part of it with those who have passed on before me. While they may no longer exist in a worldly form, they still live within me, and to that, I say thank you for the memories.