Matrimonial Magic And Mayonnaise

CHAPTER ONE I opened the top letter from the pile on the kitchen table and uttered a groan, “Oh, No!” Jeb peered at me over the top of his paper. “What's wrong? Bad news?” “Depends on how you look at it. This is a wedding invitation. Alice's daughter, Jane, is getting married. Remember that boy she was dating last Christmas? Well he proposed on New Years and the wedding is set for May.” “What's wrong with that? You should be happy. Jane is so particular. I never thought she'd find Mr. Right.” “He's perfect. It's weddings I hate. I much prefer funerals. ” I pushed the pile of mail aside and poured myself some more tea. “Weddings are so catty. You hear remarks like ‘I'll give this marriage one year,' or 'The mother of the bride could lose a little weight,' or ‘Can you believe she’s wearing white?’ Now, at a funeral no one says anything bad about the dead, no matter how churlish he or she was. If the dead was really hopeless they say, 'he meant well' or ‘I remember in the 4th grade he helped an old man across the street!’ It may be the only kind thing he ever did!” Jeb laughed. “I'll try and appreciate funerals more.” “Just think about it. The music at funerals is soft and comforting. At weddings, especially the reception, the band blasts you out of your seat. You can't hear the person next to you. Of course, you don't know them and hopefully will never see them again, so it really doesn't matter if you hear them or not. Now funeral attendees are all relatives, people they worked with or people the dead owe money to, so you can hear lots of gossip. Wonderful tales and the dead are not there to refute them! Another thing, the food at weddings is for hundreds and is generally cold and uneatable while funeral food is donated from local homes and favorite recipes, generally delicious and so much of it!” I was really getting wound up. “Honey, it's okay. You've convinced me. You don't have to go to Jane's wedding.” Jeb was grinning. I was aghast. “What! Don’t be silly! Of course I'm going. You don't think I'd miss my sister's only daughter's wedding, do you? Do you want to come?” “I’d really love to but I won't be able to make it. Have a conference then,” Jeb ducked behind the paper. “You don't even know when in May it is!” “Well, I'm sure I'll be busy. May is a packed month work-wise.” Jeb smiled again. “Why don't you ask one of the girls? I’ll just wait and catch the next funeral.” “You have just made my point. You always go to family funerals. Admit it. You hate weddings, too!” Just then the phone rang. “Saved by the bell,” I snorted. “Did you get the invitation?” My sister Alice sounded excited and a little anxious. “Yes, it came and I just opened it. Lovely card, I've never seen cupids like that before.” I sipped some tea. “You don’t like it! I knew people wouldn’t; they think women sentimental. Jane wanted the cupids because they were on the valentine that Pat gave her in the first grade. They went through school together and when they went away to college they lost track of each other. In fact they just got back together last year,” Jane sniffed. “Women in general are not sentimental. Maybe some women are a little sentimental. Jane should have any damn cupid she wants. Everyone will love it. I’m looking forward to coming. Jeb has organized a conference that will meet here so he can’t come.” Jeb mouthed a silent ‘thank you’ over his paper, “but I’ll call Elaine. Emily might have exams then. What about Mother and our little sister, Alicia?” “Mother’s flying up. Alicia’s coming later since her kids are in school. She’ll probably drive. I think Jane wants Elaine to be a bridesmaid. They are the same age and were always so close.” Alice’s voice had become more practical and in control. Her moment of apprehension was over. At least her phone call had done her some good. “Oh, by the way, Pat is Catholic, so they’ll have a priest do the service in a lovely old church here.” “Great, a nice, celibate priest! I am so relieved there will be no problem now with having Mother and her cooking attract another senior suitor! I take it she’ll bake the cake?” I laughed. “Honestly, Arden, you should be ashamed of yourself. Mother’s cooking has nothing to do with her friendships. Oh, there’s Clinton. I’ll have to run. Love you.” I shook my head. “Everything okay? Jeb took a last sip of coffee and stood up. “Yep! Jane is in control and Mother’s going to bake the wedding cake. God help us.” I poured more tea. Jeb glanced at his watch. “Oops, Honey, got to go. If you call the girls, give ‘em my love.” I cleared the dishes and glanced out the kitchen window. It was the end of March and we’d had a snow the day before. March for some reason is often the stormiest month. Maybe March does that so we appreciate spring more. The snow covered the stone dividing wall and the garden path and a few hardy daffodils that had poked their heads out early. I rinsed the dishes and made the bed trying to stay busy and not call the girls too early. I got out my seed catalogs and started making out wish lists. Whenever I look at garden catalogs, I lose track of time. The hall clock striking brought me back to the present. With regret I put away my spring dream seeds list and dialed Emily.