Coin Toss

Why I Chose to Write The Coin Toss Most of the time people ask me where my characters come from. My answer is always the same. They are the people in my head that want to be alive on the page. Well these stories are a little different. These stories are fictional works that come from a place of truth. While the whole of my personal story isn’t told here, these are true stories that were reported on the news and forgotten as quickly as the image faded from the screen. These are the stories that were behind closed doors and the inspiration for life changes. Suicide is Taboo. We don’t want to talk about it or embrace it in any way but it is happening to every community, every age group and every demographic. I saw on the news, many years ago, an eleven year old little girl took her own life. Yet after a candle light vigil nothing more was said or done. I want to give a voice to these 20second spots on the evening news. Having spent a considerable amount of my life wanting to die and to now enjoy my life without any life altering experience I think I am qualified to give my opinion. Oprah said something that has changed the way I see things, she said, brace yourself, “All Pain Is The Same.” OMG, what a loaded statement! Take a minute and think about that. She said this while talking to women in prison for killing their own children. I attempt to live my life free of judgment and harsh opinions of people, but this was a way of relating that inspired me to tell these stories. My father once told me, "Don’t cry over spilled milk, get a mop and get it up." As you can probably tell by now I believe in seeking wise counsel. The point is when you are hurting you make bold moves to deal with it, doesn’t matter what you do the depression or the fear drove you past your reasonable thinking. Sometimes you live to fight another day, sometimes you don’t. When I stopped wanting to die, I started posting on my Facebook page, “I DIDN’T DIE” Every time something crazy happened to me in a day or I felt like I had totally failed my goals for the day, I would celebrate with my post. And that truth began to be more important and more real to me than anything I had ever experienced. The hole in my heart, the emptiness and depression that plagued my very existence since I was ten years old, lifted. I had prayed (which I try to address with these stories) I had tried to rebel and pretend that nothing mattered, nothing worked. Then I came to the realization that whatever evil wanted me dead had to be destroyed. I understood that I have this beautiful gift. I am a storyteller. The evil wanted to rob people from my words and me from the pure happiness that comes from sharing them. I decided to win and I pray that if you have ever considered suicide or lost a love one to this horrible decision that these words help you understand. Understand that logically they know better but emotionally they are too far spent to fight back. Every thought of you and your love is resolved by them believing you are better off without them. Trust me I know that it is impossible to love the feeling of suicide to death. You can’t take it shopping and send it all over the world. It is a battle of the soul, which far outweighs the spirit. It is a lack of feeling that you have any worth and other people can never give you your worth. So if you have a loved one struggling with depression and suicide. Listen! (More accurately, read to yourself aloud and understand the following): Give them unconditional love. Break the rules to love them, figure out whom they are seeking acceptance from and talk to that person about their behavior. Respect their need for confidence and do what you can to make them feel safe and sane. I have learned that no amount of prayer, counseling, or handholding can truly stop this mental battle. It is a decision, one that I didn’t even think I was capable of not making. Even God requires that we choose. So life rests in the individual’s decision to live. We are not bound to anything. I had to learn that even your family is an option in your life. Knowing my independence and my purpose freed me from all the things that had me bound. Now I chose to Live Life Like I Only Have One Chance. I invite you to do the same. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental and is not an exact reference