The Owl in the Tree

Dear Mom, It’s been a little over two months since you left us. Each day is better, but the time passes, and the memories only get stronger. There are days when I can’t believe that you are gone, and I wonder what was on your mind those last moments? I hope it wasn’t anything that brought pain. I hope you were not scared. My regret . . . not being there. Not being there to hold your hand, to caress your face, to help you move on to eternal life. A life I know you welcomed after the last few years. But God didn’t want us there. He didn’t want us to try and stop you. He wanted you home. I have thoughts—thoughts that make me wonder how you really felt about me, thoughts that make me wonder if you had questions to ask, things to say. Or maybe you were okay. Maybe you didn’t want to ask. Maybe you didn’t want to know. I do know one thing. I know that you loved me. I know that you enjoyed your time with me and that I tried very hard to make things perfect for you. We all did. I also think about the past. I think about what it was like for you with all of us, and with Dad stricken with stroke at such a young age. We were all so very young. It was so difficult for you, wasn’t it? vi Peter Kay But you pulled us through, and you took such great care of Dad from the day we heard he was ill. You never batted an eye as you figured out how it would be. There I go . . . wearing my rose-colored glasses! I think about the times we had and the things we did as we were growing up. I wonder if you ever felt that you took second place, second place behind Anna, Louie, Aunt Marie, and Uncle George and Aunt Anna. I wonder what you felt as I asked if I could go stay with them, at different times. Did you feel I abandoned you? Did you feel neglected? I hope not. I needed all of them at that time in my life. And I am so very glad that they were there! It was just as hard for me to see Pop sitting in that chair day after day, not able to feed himself, go to the bathroom, walk, or even talk. I know we all felt something, something that each one of us dealt with in our own way. I cry sometimes. I cry for all the reasons above. I cry for maybe not doing all that I should or could have. But I don’t think you would want me to. I knew on the day that Richard called to tell me you fell that time was running out. I knew that even though you did try, not very hard, but you did, that time was not going to stand still. I felt it every time I visited and held your hand. I felt the life leaving you little by little, and I could see it in your eyes. The funny thing is, I saw peace in your eyes. I saw the eyes that were looking to see if Dad was there. Was he there waiting for you? I’m sure he was! So now, I have written about us, me and you, the family. I want to share the good times, the bad, and the memories we had. The Owl in the Tree vii I want to offer guidance and healing help to those who may suffer through the same things that we all did. I want to offer hope for peace and calmness in lives that are affected with things that we have no control over. I share what we sometimes spoke about, what we sometimes laughed about, and what we sometimes cried about. But most of all, I share the love that I have always felt for you and the fact that you were and always will be number 1! Always. And so . . . here we go.