Building your Relationship Home

No architect or builder would think of constructing a home without a detailed blueprint of its foundation to guide and manage the process. This is also true in the dating process. Each chapter will represent a different room as we start to build our new relationship. They include: Recreation and family room, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, television room/den and office. Here is a sample of the Recreation Room: Some rooms are easier to establish than others and the recreation room is by far one of the easiest. You will have a natural tendency and desire to ask each other, early in the relationship, how you both like to have fun. And you will instinctively try to establish common interests. Because you will spend so many recreational hours with your partner, this foundation has to be particularly strong and sturdy. So allow plenty of "room" for information. It is very natural, when you first meet someone, to start observing how he or she spends their time. You may want to find out: Where they have traveled? What sports they like to watch or play? What hobbies they have? Do they like to play board games and what are their favorite television shows? What music do they like, listen to or play? And we are only getting started. What books or authors do they read? What type of foods and restaurants do they prefer? What is their level of physical activity? Do they like pets and what kind? And a myriad of other “small talk” questions to kick off the dating process. Survey tip: There are two characteristics that continually appear as you construct your relationship foundation. They are energy and sense of humor, both can be endearing or disappointing and often surface early in the recreation room. Make sure you have an understanding of how someone’s energy or humor can make your recreational activities more or less enjoyable in the years to come. Yes, diverse personalities are real! And can become a real joy or a real red flag … even a real deal breaker…. “I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.” - Leonardo da Vinci 1452-1519 Because this area of your home is built on common interest, it will set the stage for the quality and quantity of time you will spend with your partner for many years to come. Of course it is not necessary for each of you to have a perfect match when it comes to your interests, but NOW is the best time to decide if there is enough common ground to establish a lifelong companionship. Here are a few questions/concerns/red flags to consider when constructing the foundation for your recreation room: Make a list of 10 activities you like to do in your free time. It can be games, movies, music, dancing or an individual / team sport. Anything that fills your time should be listed. Now ask your partner to make their list of 10. What are the common interests? How many? How important? A possible concern and even red flag or deal breaker is that the lists don’t match up. It is not important that the exact same activities make both lists, but what if NONE do? Do you really want to try to build a home and family with no common ground of interests? Or is that the formula for a very shaky and unsafe foundation (future)? Different perspectives of traveling can also be a cause for concern. The reality is that some people love to travel and can’t wait for the next trip to “anywhere”. While others are content to stay in their hometowns for the rest of their lives… which are you? Which are they? It might be worth a conversation or two. I’m sure everyone has experienced a point while dating that something was said or done that made you think: “Do I really want to continue dating this person?” Well, I will also share some of those experiences, and call them: My “red flag” moment: Once on date I shared that I love to travel, have visited many countries and look forward to many more. Only to find out that my date hates air travel and will NEVER go on another airplane. (Over and out …) So even something as simple as where to vacation can cause slight tremors in a relationship. If your travel interests are criticized or opposed, then is that time for re-evaluation? As Tevye proclaimed in the movie Fiddler on the Roof: “A bird can love a fish…but where would they build a home?” In a day when sports are such a big part of the news, maybe that’s an area that needs to be discussed? Are you/they a participant, a spectator or neither? And what priority do sports play in your day-to-day life? And when you do participate together, how competitive are you both? A competitive nature can be fun, frustrating…or both! So keep a “close eye” during those moments. But sports, diet, activity and exercise are all tied together, so make sure your “radar” is accurate. What about music? Are your tastes similar? If you like reggae and your partner hates it and would rather listen to classical opera all the time, is that going to be an issue up the road? Enjoying each others music can be a strong “bonding agent” that can lead to conversation, a dance and much more. Or what if you play an instrument and like to practice at unusual hours of the day or night? Worse…what if you play an instrument poorly but still like to practice? Oops. Although your taste in food and interest in cooking will be covered in the kitchen chapter, it still should be considered recreational and worth some attention in this section. How many times will you go on a date and can’t agree on the type of food to eat or the restaurant to visit? Mutual interest in food is important when you consider how much of our time together is spent eating meals. And if we have a difficult time finding common ground when we eat, will that translate to a long-term problem? What if you like to eat “healthy” and your partner lives at McDonalds’? Speaking of healthy choices, what about your physical health in general? How each of you views your physical health can create major conflicts if not addressed. How many of your friends “live” to exercise? Whether it is in a gym, at home, a long or short hike or at a yoga / pilates studio, their day is not complete without a workout of some type. How will that make you or your partner feel? Intimidated? Guilty by non-activity? Jealous? Or even lazy and stressed out? Maybe now is a good time to take a hard look at your partner’s energy level when it comes to their health and physical activity. And while you’re at it… take an honest look at yours. My “red flag” moment: Now I do like to exercise… BUT, while on a date I asked her how she spends her free time? Her response consisted of going to the gym “at least” 2-3 hours per day and never eating anything unhealthy. (I don’t think so). One of the areas that is most important when discussing common interests… are pets. Not just the type of pet we might have or like but how you, in fact, parent that pet. (Yes, I said “parent” your pet). If you have a pet or a love for animals in general, it is crucial that your partner is not indifferent or, heaven forbid, dislikes your pet. And how that pet is trained or disciplined is also worth noticing. Pets can be a fantastic common bond to a relationship, much as a child is in many ways. But they can also be an earthquake waiting to happen and “crack” any foundation… even a strong one. My “red flag” moment: While on a date, I talked about moving closer to town. My date suggested I check out living in a “loft” in the middle of town. When I explained that wouldn’t work because they wouldn’t allow me to have my beagle (of 12 years), she simply replied: “Well, just get rid of the dog!” (Ouch).