Moving Past
The Death of a Loved One
by
Book Cover & Preview Text
CHAPTER ONE: SHOCK – DEER IN HEADLIGHTS
No matter how or why you have lost someone you love, it can be a shock to your system. You may find yourself repeating “I can’t believe this is happening” over and over inside your mind. This is shock setting in. Shock is when you feel like you have been hit hard in the gut and your breath is taken away. You are stunned.
If you lost someone unexpectedly, shock may set in at the initial announcement. It doesn’t matter if the news comes over the phone or in person, the words will throw your mind and heart into a world of disbelief and confusion. The world suddenly screeches to a halt and a time warp begins. You may feel your body moving, and you may hear words coming out of your mouth, but a part of your brain is now left in limbo. It is trying to reconcile the situation with the reality, and reality is too painful to believe right now.
If you lose someone after a long and sometimes painful illness, you may experience these feelings in a different order. Often, you try to prepare yourself for the inevitable as you support and care for the one who is ill. You may even experience relief when they finally stop breathing; because now they are no longer in pain and you have watched them suffer too much. If this is the case, you may want to turn to the chapter that deals with Grief first. Grief can lead to despair; despair to anger; anger to hurt; hurt to shock. Everyone is different in their reactions, so feel free to read in the order that you are experiencing the emotions for more immediate help. You may just need some guidance to readjust your life now that they are gone. In this case, turn to Part Two of this book.
In any case, be assured there is a reason for this disconnect between logic and acceptance. The neurotransmitters in your brain are trying to connect everything that you have been taught and have experienced, with this new change of circumstance. Your mind is short circuiting and causing a vacuum so that it can keep functioning without totally breaking down. This is a natural defense mechanism.
Some think that a strong belief system could help to ease the shock. But no matter what your beliefs are, death goes against our natural scope of understanding and reasoning. We realize that at some point everything dies. However, it goes beyond our natural ability to grasp that losing someone we love is “natural”.
If you are a religious person, you have no doubt been taught that there is life beyond death. Some believe in reincarnation. Some believe in heaven. Even non-religious persons will confide that they hope there is some other place where we go after we die. But whatever our intellectual belief, our body’s reaction turns to instinct.
As we approached her room in Intensive Care, I noticed the curtain was drawn. I immediately felt my stomach tighten and something deep inside knew that she was gone. A nurse stopped us and said, “I’m so sorry. Didn’t anyone call you?” My hand covered my mouth as I took a deep gasp and I turned into my husband’s arms. I was shocked at how stunned I felt. Rosie was 103. For the last five years I was telling myself that she wouldn’t live forever, but I still wasn’t prepared for this moment. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to the woman who became like a mother to me. She was in such good health, and her mind was as sharp as a tack. We loved talking and laughing over dinner as she sipped her scotch on the rocks. Our friendship of 13 years helped mould me into a better wife, mother and friend. I stood by her bedside unable to move. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
Feeling like a deer in headlights is natural. Time stands still. All the unimportant details of life disappear. The immobility is your reaction to the most primal emotion – fear. You are entering unknown territory because suddenly your life has changed. All change is difficult, but here are a few things you can do when shock sets in:
1. Do what you need to do to say your personal goodbyes. Don’t be rushed.
2. Turn to someone who isn’t as emotionally attached to the person you have lost. They will be able to think more clearly in your hour of need. Let them act as a guide to what must be done, but don’t allow them to tell you what you “should” be doing or feeling.
3. Know that everyone reacts differently. Don’t judge your reaction; or that of others.
4. Take care of your physical body. Eat light food, drink plenty of water, rest.
IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IF YOU’RE:
• Having trouble functioning at home or work
• Suffering from severe fear, anxiety, or depression
• Unable to form close, satisfying relationships
• Experiencing terrifying memories, nightmares, or flashbacks
• Avoiding more and more things that remind you of the trauma
• Emotionally numb and disconnected from others
Trauma disrupts the body’s natural equilibrium, freezing you in a state of hyper arousal and fear. In essence, your nervous system gets stuck in overdrive. Successful trauma treatment must address this imbalance and reestablish your physical sense of safety.
DAILY READING
“The trouble with quotes about death is that 99.999 percent of them are made by people who are still alive.”
– Joshua Bruns
Losing someone you love is one of the strongest emotional trials that our hearts endure. Time seems to have slowed to an unbearable pace. Your brain tries to think normal thoughts, but all the small details of life that always seemed so important, don’t even come to mind. The air feels like a thick broth which makes your movements heavy and draining. Over and over your mind keeping repeating, “Why?.....How can this be happening?.....Why?......
How will I get through this?”
It is okay to feel stunned. Your mind and body are protecting you from immediate emotional harm. Today, tell yourself that you will be okay. Tell yourself that today you need rest, and your mind is resting as it prepares to handle the feelings to come.
Now, rest. Find a place to sit and stare. It’s okay.
Write down how you are feeling. Journal your journey:
DAILY READING
“This existence of ours is as transient as autumn clouds. To watch the birth and death of beings is like looking at the movements of a dance. A lifetime is a flash of lightning in the sky. Rushing by, like a torrent down a steep mountain.”
-Buddha
There are things to do to prepare to say goodbye. There are people to notify, places to go, decisions to be made. Life is moving forward, but your heart is stuck in the moment they left. You make the calls, go to the places, make the decisions, while feeling like your soul is somewhere else. Your body is robotically doing what is necessary. You will make sure the arrangements are perfect in their honor.
It is natural to want the best for your loved one. Today think of them, and who they were and how they would want to be honored. Perform a ritual in their honor to help you let go.
They will love whatever you do for them.
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About the Book
“This wonderful book shows you how to develop the internal strength you need to move forward with your life.”
—Brian Tracy, author of Live a Wonderful Life
How do I move past the death of my loved one?
Whether the loss of a loved one is sudden or the result of a long illness, it is difficult to be prepared for the flood of emotions that will surely come to those left behind. Throughout her life, author Cindy Cipriani has had to cope with losing many special loved ones. Each time, her grief was different. In Moving Past: The Death of a Loved One, she offers a simple yet effective guide through the grieving process to finding peace and happiness again.
Moving Past: The Death of a Loved One offers insight and many useful tips on self-care and healing for those who are making their way through a personal loss.
Cipriani describes ten steps that each person experiences as they journey through grief. Each person takes these ten steps at his or her own pace. This helpful guidebook is organized to reflect the various emotional stages chapter by chapter and in several special passages in the book. Each passage seeks to ease you through the moment by providing a wise quote, a few thoughts to ponder, an action step, and a place to journal. Reading a page each day can assist in formulating a new life strategy by keeping our loved ones close and keeping them with us always.
About the Author
Cindy Cipriani shares her days with her handsome husband, Jay, her too-cute-for-words goldendoodle, Lexi, and the welcome visits from three grown sons. She is the founder of Clear Path Institute, LLC with the mission of enriching the lives of those going through life transitions by providing proven step-by-step systems to simplify, sort and solve any personal or business problem in record time.
Through her own life experience, research and mentoring, Cindy has a compelling perspective on what it takes to overcome anything life can throw at you, while balancing a family and a successful career.
Using her unique 5 step process called “The 5 C Solution”, your path can be simplified and put back on track during times when you need comfort, hope and direction.
Cindy would love to speak to you, your group or organization. To receive more information about Clear Path Institute’s life navigation coaching, books, programs, retreats and tools, call Toll Free 1-888-806-9678. Or write to Cindy Cipriani, Clear Path Institute LLC, 665 N. Broad Street, Woodbury, NJ 08096. Visit our website:
http://clearpathinstitute.com or send her an email: info@clearpathinstitute.com.