Sibling Sacrifices

“I should have listened to you, Erik.” “……” He was silent, but made his way over to sit next to me, making the couch rock a little. “I’m so sorry, Caroline.” I grinned, despite my better judgment, and wiped my eyes again. “You shouldn’t be. Doesn’t this mean you have a better chance of being with me now?” I looked up at him to find him frowning. “What do you mean? You’re breaking up?” “Shouldn’t we?” “No! Why would you think that you should-” “Because you told me our relationship was in danger-” “Yes, I did. It’s in danger because now, it’s most important for you two to be strong no matter how hard that may be. I said it was in danger because of the urge you will have to do what you think society says for you to do.” “But we can’t just…How can we still-” “There isn’t a law that says you can’t. There isn’t a prophecy that says it will end in flames. There’s no one that will tell you not to follow your heart.” “What if I can’t trust my heart?” “Then you’ve got a serious problem.” I paused at that statement as the door slowly creaked open, and Isaac’s head popped out. Erik turned around to look at him, before immediately standing up. “I’ll leave you to it, Isaac.” He mumbled before leaving and closing the door again. Isaac stepped forward, his mouth in a hard line. He stared at me, in such a way as if he was going to spontaneously combust right then and there. I sniffed. “Don’t just stand there, idiot…” I tried to say with the best attitude I could. I failed, but the hard line twitched, attempting to smile. He walked over and sat where Erik had been sitting. He folded his hands and leaned his elbows on his legs as he looked out over the balcony. He looked like he was in deep thought. It took a good couple of minutes before he could look at me and even longer before he could look me in the eyes. Finally, he took a deep breath and started speaking. “Caroline…” He started rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah.” I said pushing my hair back behind my ears. He glanced over at me. “I know you’re upset….and doing some deep thinking right now…and that you’re really stressed out about what just happened.” “…Yeah…I’m sorry for kind of freaking out at dinner. I should have controlled myself better.” “No, it’s completely understandable…You’ve been dreading the words that came out your dad’s mouth since the day you started liking me. I didn’t expect you to act any differently…Actually. I thought you took it pretty well considering things…” “I guess.” I said sniffing again. The hard line returned on his face. “…How are you taking it?” He seemed to hesitate with responding. He looked up at me and gripped his hands, taking a seemingly painful breath. “Caroline…while you’re like this…while you’re thinking things over about this - this situation we’re in. I don’t want…” He stopped, swallowing a lump in his throat. “I don’t want to cause you more stress. I don’t want your decisions…to be based on what I’m telling you. I want you to think this through, to take as much time as you need.” I locked eyes with him, somewhat sure of what he was saying. “You….what?” “Before I say this…I want it to be perfectly clear. I’m going to be here. I’m…going to be waiting for your decision. But I don’t want you to worry about what I’m thinking.” “We’re…we’re breaking up?” I asked, my voice cracking on the last word. I wanted to protest; it was my first instinct reaction. I wanted to refuse to let him go: to spill out all the emotions I had kept hidden from him and at times myself, for our own protection. I wanted to cry until I couldn’t feel my eyeballs…but I wanted to hear his answer. My eyes welled up, threatening to spill over. My bottom lip shook as if I was going to cease at any given moment. “Not yet…” He took my face into his hands and kissed me so hard I flinched, causing a few tears to fall. My fingers were locked up from the cold and it took me a second to get them untangled. He kissed deeper, and held my face with a firmer grip like he didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want him to let go. I didn’t want to let go of him. I didn’t want to let anyone go. I threw my arms around him and locked my hands in his locks of slicked back hair. And then suddenly, as if realizing a mistake, he jerked back, parting our lips for what may have been the last time. He still held my face, and I still had a firm grip on his hair. I was tempted to yank him back in protest to his stopping, but my brain hadn’t finished rebooting. I started at him, star struck. He cleared his throat and swallowed another lump, looking around my face. “This…I’m not going to stop caring, or being there, or act as I always do. But…this- this won’t happen again, until you’re sure you want it to. Not until you would risk everything for it. I’m sorry Caroline, but I’m breaking up with you.” My fingers let go of his hair and dropped to my lap. I knew he was going to say it. I knew that’s what this conversation was about. Why did it hurt so much to hear it be said? He dropped one hand and leaned closer to kiss my forehead, but stopped himself before he could. He gritted his teeth and leaned back probably remembering what he had just said. I bit my lip looking at him. “I’m sorry…” I said, trying to keep my composer, but it sounded like I was crying out, with a broken voice - and heart. “No, Caroline-” “I’m sorry…I’m sorry.” I said as more tears fell. I understood the tone in his voice. He didn’t want me to be sorry, he didn’t want me to cry. But I couldn’t stop. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry.” I cried, covering my face with my hands. I was letting out all the apologizes I owed him. The apologies I owed Mom, the apologies I owed Dad and Emily, the spiteful apologies I owed Grandma, the apologies I owed Erick, Tony, Chris, everyone who had been affected by Isaac and I’s relationship. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” I cried harder. Everything was crashing around me. My fears were being realized, my regrets were being tossed in my face, and my brain was slowly losing the last bit of sanity it had left. Isaac pulled my hands from my face, wiped my eyes and held me. But I could feel that it wasn’t as my lover, but as my friend.