Annick Nouatin's Autobiography Part 1

My Early Years in West Africa

My name is Annick Nicole Pascaline Fifatin Nouatin. Annick is a French name that means “grace of God.” Nicole is a French name that means “people of victory.” Pascaline is also a French name, and in Hebrew, it means “Passover.” Fifatin is an African name that means “everything will be fine.” Finally, Nouatin is my last name; in the African language, it means “Trees.” That is a little history about the different names my parents gave me.

I was born in West Africa in a little city called Porto-Novo in Benin. Benin borders Togo to the west, Nigeria to the East, and Burkina Faso and Niger to the north. The small southern coastline on the Bight of Benin is where a majority of the population is located. Benin covers an area of approximately 110,000 square kilometers (42,000 square miles) and has a population of approximately 8.8 million. Benin is tropical. French is the main language. The capital of Benin is Porto-Novo.

My father was a handsome, intelligent, and tall man. His native country was Benin. He spent his high school years in Senegal, which is close to Benin. He was very dominant and strict, and his weaknesses were alcohol and control—it was his way or no way. I have few good memories of my father.

My mother was beautiful and looked younger than her age. My mother loved to dress up. She was gentle and subservient to my father, because that was the way she was raised. She was very spiritual and prayed a lot, as though she knew something would happen. She had a good heart but was worried all the time.

We were a family of seven children. I was the fourth child. My brothers were Christian, Jean-Claude, Ernest, Marcel, Charles, and Joel. I was my father’s little girl, but he didn’t know how to treat us. We lived in a little house. Our lives were poor; we were not protected from infection or death because of the poor condition.

What I loved about Benin is the red ground, the warmness, and the happiness of my brothers. Everybody helped each other, even if they didn’t know them.

I was a shy girl who needed more than the normal girl. I needed a lot of love, but I don’t remember everything from my childhood. I do remember playing with other children sometimes, and I also remember being dressed in a short brown dress.

Christian’s Death

I remember the loss of Christian, my brother. He passed away because of a high fever at the age of six. My memories of him are almost nonexistent, but I still think about him a lot and I still miss his presence. I can still see his face. My family was devastated when he died. I do recall sitting close to his bed when he closed his eyes forever.

I also see vague flashes of my father holding me in his arms and taking me into his bedroom. After that, I see darkness. This darkness has haunted me for many, many years until now. The reason for this is that my brain blocked some memories.

Going to France

When I was five years old, my parents decided to immigrate to France. Since Benin became independent from France, there has been an agreement between the African and French governments.

I don’t remember if I was excited to come to Paris or not, but we had to go. For us, it was the unknown. At that age, I didn’t realized that I was lucky compared to my people from Benin, even though I struggled very much in Paris. Going to Paris was one step along my spiritual journey.

Paris is known for its famous buildings and works of art, its chic fashion scene, and its modern literary, artistic, and intellectual ideals. I lived in the suburbs of Paris for more than twenty-eight years. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the chance to visit other cities around it. What I still miss from there is la baguette et le fromage (cheese and bread).

When we arrived in Osny, a suburb of Paris, a three-bedroom apartment was waiting for us. The apartment was very nice, and we were on the fifth floor. I wanted my own bedroom, but I had to share it with my two youngest brothers. It was fine at the beginning, but as we grew up each of us wanted our own privacy. I loved that apartment.

I loved the balcony, because it was decorated with many flowers that my mother took care of with a lot of love. But for some reason, I was afraid of heights and didn’t spend as much time there as I wanted.

The whole city was nice. We had everything close by (buses, the train station, grocery stores, and so on). My school was about four miles away from home; my brothers’ school was a little father.

My father got a job at the prefecture of Cergy from the government. He was an architect, and his office was very close to the house we lived in. He started his job at the new place a week after we arrived in France. He went by car or bus … I don’t remember exactly. He was well respected there because of his quality of work.

My mom stayed home to take care of us. She was very strong. She would yell at each of us because she was very impatient. For a long time, I wondered why she yelled at us like that. Now I understand because I used to be like that—yelling for no reason.

Paris was new for everybody, and we had a transition period that we had to go through. My mother used to sing all the time. It was a way for her to have some joy, because she wasn’t really happy.

With time, I became friends with my neighbors from the same building. On the first floor was a family from Morocco. The family on the second floor was from Algeria. The families on the third and fourth floors were from France.

Djamila on the second floor was the same age as me. Somehow, we became close and spent days together having fun and sometimes doing nothing. She became my confidant, because she listened to my stories. My mother was too busy to provide for my real needs, because she was overwhelmed by taking care of everybody.

My brothers made some friends as well, and Jean-Claude went to school to become a certified public accountant. Ernest was very interested in computers, and he wanted to become a programmer. Marcel was interested of becoming a nurse, and he was really good with people. My two youngest brothers were still too young to know what they wanted to do.