Choosing to Forgive
Growing Up with an Alcoholic Parent
by
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Our lives have been recorded as if with a time-lapse camera, perched always within sight of our comings and goings, able to be rewound at will, but in a read-only mode, with a past we cannot edit nor change. We can only go forward. I spent the first eighteen years of my life in and around the small village of Pulaski, located in Up-State NY, three miles from the shores of beautiful Lake Ontario. My life has turned out quite differently than I would have imagined. Very few people can say that their life has turned out exactly as they envisioned. Our lives are channeled by so many different factors working in so many different people who have impacted our lives, that the outcome cannot be predicted.. And God will oftentimes place people in our lives to shape us into who we are today. Our lives are ever intertwined with those around us, especially our family. My father was an alcoholic. To drink or not to drink is a choice, just as all of our decisions in life. Some call alcoholism a disease. I differ with that explanation in part. There was a time when my father did not drink. It was not a sickness that came upon him. He chose to fill a glass with gin and lift that glass to his mouth and drink its contents. It is a choice which, in some, causes addiction and disease in the body and mind. Many do not agree with my viewpoint, however, the end result is the same . . . it’s devastating to the family. It becomes the pivoting point around which everything else revolves. Social life, family life, the ability to cope with its ensuing problems creates a grave challenge, which often causes one to harbor bitterness and a heart that refuses to forgive. What happens when you hold bitterness, anger, even hatred in your heart? How do you forgive when hurtful things have been said or done against you? What if you don’t want to forgive? How can you forget what has been done to you? Why do you need to forgive? Can you really truly forgive someone and find love in your heart for that person? These are all legitimate questions. Whether you have picked up this book because you can relate to similar circumstances, have found yourself asking one or more of these questions, or just out of curiosity, my desire and purpose is that you find yourself willing to walk the path God has laid out for you that leads to forgiveness. Sometimes we need to go back to be able to go forward. So, now, nearly seventy years later I will attempt to take you down the path I walked long ago. I am not a scholar, nor am I a theologian. I can only offer to you my story of what God has accomplished in my life. It is the true account of a great and wonderful God who loved me enough to walk with me through those difficult years and bring me to the place where I knew and understood why I must forgive. Only then did I experience the freedom and peace that forgiveness brings. Diane DeLong Clark In the darkness, I stood on the stairs listening to the argument just one room away. I didn’t know whether to intervene or go back to bed. Once again he had my mother backed into a corner in their bedroom, threatening her, using foul language, accusing her of being unfaithful. It wasn’t the first time, nor would it be the last, but it was always the same accusations and lies, and it made me fearful and angry. I wanted to march right in there and make him stop but I knew it would make things worse for her and besides he probably was naked. The fear dominated and I would wait until it was quiet. Then I would tip toe back up the stairs and slip back into my bed. Morning always came and we all went about our day as if nothing had happened. No one ever talked about it, nor did I ever talk about the hate I felt towards him during those episodes. I had become quite adept at pushing those incidents way back in the corner of my mind and going on with my life. Daddy would wake in the morning with no recollection of it ever happening, so what was the point of bringing it up? He would only deny it. Mother left for work and I left for school. It was a new day. I was fifteen.
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About the Book
Growing up in Upstate New York during the 1940s and 1950s was idyllic in many ways, with wintertime sledding and summer days spent on the shores of Lake Ontario. But even though she was involved in school activities and had friends, Diane harbored a painful secret: her father was an alcoholic. Often out of work, he might explode with rage at the dinner table because someone chewed too loudly, or accuse Diane’s mother of infidelity, or pass out naked, sprawled across his bed, within sight of anyone who came to the front door. Not surprisingly, Diane learned to fear, resent, and mistrust her father.
Unfortunately, there are many stories like Diane’s, in which families are traumatized by abuse. Hers could have ended there, but thanks to a loving God, it did not. What makes Diane’s story different is that she learned about the power of forgiveness. In Choosing to Forgive she shares her insights into this most precious but sometimes mysterious gift from God. How do we forgive people when they have deeply wronged us? What if we don’t want to? What does forgiveness look like in everyday life?
Diane has asked these questions and others in her journey toward forgiving the man who caused her such pain. Intended for both those whose circumstances are similar to Diane’s and those simply want to learn more about forgiveness, this moving memoir tells the story of how forgiveness freed her to have a rich and happy life.
About the Author
DIANE CLARK is also the author of a children’s story called Jake and Barney—A Tale of Two Kittens, a true story of two gray kittens rescued after being dumped, and From the Heart, a collection of poetry written over a period of ten years. Now approaching her seventieth birthday, Diane lives within view of the beautiful White Mountains of New Hampshire with her husband, Creighton.