CONTEMNED

Sunday Morning Church Service seems to last forever at Love Life Center, but that’s okay, because I am going to sing my solo today. I think it is about time Ricky, the choir director for the last three years, realized that old Sister Anna Mae isn’t the only person who can sing. She can’t really sing. She just screams at the top of her lungs and some people say she’s a soprano. Yeah Right. She is no soprano, alto nor bass. She is the preacher’s wife’s sister, that’s why she gets to sing every First Sunday. Today’s sermon is The Word of God. I thought the whole Bible is the word of God. Please somebody tell me this man is not about to preach the whole Bible in one day. I had promised my ex-husband that I would be there to pick up the kids by 2:00PM. Damn. I can’t be late again. I am tired of hearing his sarcastic remarks and of seeing the looks on his new girlfriends face. He has gone through so many different women since our divorce till I don’t try to remember their names anymore. I just refer to them all as Bimbo Barbie. I think they are bimbos because they actually think being in a relationship with him will last. Ha! The joke is on them and they deserve everything they get for being so stupid. If he was half of a man, we would still be married. But those types of women don’t think about the ex-wife until they become an ex-wife. I have to see my ex-husband every other weekend. Why couldn’t I have been a widow? I definitely don’t want to listen to him gripe and complain about how my being late is setting a bad example for our kids. He says it shows how little I care about them and he is constantly telling me my responsibility to them as a mother. I had enough of that while we were married. If I could get sole custody of the kids and receive child support without visitation rights, my life would be perfect. I shouldn’t have married him. To be honest, I really don’t think my oldest is his kid, but that’s neither here nor there because someone had to be the father. Look at what Angela is wearing. You know she looks a hot mess with that red dress on. It’s so low cut in the front. You would think she was getting ready to breast feed a baby and it is so short till… Well, I better not go there, I am in church. Oh my God! I can’t believe she is about to sit in the front row. How disrespectful can she get? That is the same outfit she had on last night. Obviously she didn’t have enough time to change clothes from whomever bed she slid out of. She is such a slut. She gives all good Christian women a bad name. She should have left the club at a respectable time like the rest of us did. Watch her end up pregnant again. Oh wait! It’s time for me to sing my solo. Pay attention now Sister Anna Mae and hear how I Praise You is supposed to sound. It should sound like an angel whispering in God’s ear and it should be as anticipated as a wanted first kiss. The piano is starting and my cue is coming… I just want to praise~ your~ name~ Oh thank you Father…you stopped~ my~ pain~ You lifted me up, took away my cup And carried my sins to the cross. You rescued me~~ when~ I was lost And I praise you oh lord all day long~ I sing praises to you oh lord~ in my song~ I praise you oh lord~ all day long It’s your love my God~ that makes me strong~ And I praise you I praise you I praise you I praise you I just want to praise~ your~ name~ Oh thank you Father…you stopped~ my~ pain~ You lifted me up, took away my cup Carried my sins to the cross Rescued me when I was lost And I praise you oh lord all day long I sing praises to you oh lord in my song I praise you oh lord all day long It’s your love my God that makes me strong Your blood controls all I do I just want to praise you. Listen to all of them clapping. They don’t clap that way for Sister Anna Mae. People say when she was younger that she could pack the church every Sunday just so they could hear her sing Amazing Grace. I guess she is about 90 years old now. I think they clap for her to sit down and stop trying to sing. I shouldn’t be so cruel. Everyone knows I am the best singer and I hope someone tells her so she might stop and yet, I wouldn’t want anyone to hurt her feelings. Anyways, I wonder why the church pays the drummer and guitar player to perform and not the choir. If the choir can’t be paid, then they shouldn’t pay anyone. I could use some extra funds too. You know? Oh, let me be quiet, Pastor Cook is about heat it up in here with his sexy self. If I for one had only met him first, my whole life would be different. Just listen to his voice. You know, I don’t even think he knows how over half of his congregation really feels about him sexually. I mean look at him, looking all tall and handsome with that eggshell white linen suit on, as he stands at the alter requesting the church to say Amen. He is everything a man should be. He would never cheat on his wife. His voice is mesmerizing and his gentle smile is a kiss of morning dew on a fresh white lily. Today we are studying the Word of God and the purpose of His Word. Please open your Bibles to Genesis Chapter 1, and it says: • God said…let there be light. He called the light Day and the darkness He called Night. • God said…let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters. He called the firmament Heaven. • God said…let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that has life. He created all life. • God said…let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over fish, fowl, cattle, over all the earth, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. We have heard these verses cited many times. And too many times we have overlooked the importance of these words. The garden was full of trees to eat from for nourishment. But God told man not to eat of the tree in the midst of the garden. You know, God had a plan for the whole earth to be saved. As the story goes, the serpent, which we will call temptation to disobey God and have imaged as a snake, encouraged Eve and Adam to eat of the tree in the midst of the garden, that God told man not to eat. Pastor walked around in the church and all eyes were on him. Then he asked in a loud probing voice, “Are there snakes in your garden?” Yes. Yes! Yes Sir, the church confessed. The doors of the church were open so the church could ask for forgiveness and rest in the open arms of our Lord God. I stood up and began to sing Yes Lord. Only two teenagers came up for prayer. We were all looking at each other. Really I think only the three mothers of the church understood the sermon. All that stuff about eating of the tree and dying. Adam and Eve did not die. Plus when we do something wrong, the church would be closed because I think at least half of us here have eaten of that tree. “You know what I am talking about.” I think God despises the lukewarm worshiper as Pastor said. I am trying to remember just what did Pastor say about the rapture two weeks ago. Jesus is coming back for the church. The dead has to rise and then Jesus returns to Earth to fight Satan and collect the Christians. I think that’s what he said. I don’t know. It is all so confusing to me. Anyhow, I do my part. I come to church every Sunday. Here comes Sister Doris. She is a lying biddy. Hey sister, how have you been? She was my friend four years ago, until she was trying to raise money for the Sunday school. She was selling slices of cake that looked dried out and stale. I didn’t buy a slice and she told some other people. Next thing I knew I was on the prayer list for my finances. She can’t possibly be on God’s list, but she is definitely on mine.