Remembering Mary Jane

If I could describe heaven in one word, it would be tranquil.

I’m not sure what happened that day, and I’m not certain that I saw a glimpse of heaven. Perhaps maybe I was dreaming, but still to this day, I would give everything I have to go back for even five more minutes. Just five minutes.

It may sound odd, but I didn’t just see beauty, I felt it there. So far, my whole life had been filled with drama, meaningless talk, despair and neglect. But this place I was in was so calm and peaceful. I felt that no one would judge, hurt, or betray me.

There was no heat. No cold. No rain, but a warm sun that you could look at without hurting your eyes. There were smells that reminded you of the best times in your life. I felt no pain, like I was a young child who had never been tainted by this world. I didn’t see anyone or anything familiar, but oddly enough, I felt a sense of belonging.

It was unlike anything my mortal mind could conjure up. When people say that you will see pearly gates and mansions made of gold when you get there, then they must be going to a different heaven. I saw none of that. I didn’t see bright lights or angels with giant wings walking around. As a matter of fact, I woke up on a giant black rock, like the ones you see out in the middle of the ocean that are meant to break the waves. There was no noise, except for the occasional crashing of waves over one of these enormous features. I saw land, but it was far away, much too far to swim to, and I remember being scared, not knowing how I was going to get there. Then, I heard a small voice, not audible but inside my head, just telling me to walk out onto the water. When I did, another enormous rock simply appeared under my feet, and kept appearing as I walked, until I finally reached dry land. It looked like it would take an eternity to get to shore, but it was over in a moment.

I looked back and the rocks were gone, just as quickly as they had appeared. The blue-green water was so clear that I could see every living creature in it.

I stepped out onto the glistening white sand, again clueless as to what I was supposed to do next, but feeling so peaceful that I didn’t care. I sat down cross –legged on a dock that I hadn’t seen when I first got to shore. I’m not sure how long I sat there because it felt as though there was no time. There was a slight breeze and everywhere I looked, the view seemed to go on forever- like I could actually see to the ends of the earth.

Suddenly, someone sat down next to me and dipped their toes in the water.

It was Mary Jane.

“Long time no see,” she said softly. She smiled.

I smiled back. She looked different. New.

“How did you find me?” I asked her calmly.

“Oh, child, I knew you were coming,” she replied.

“How? And where am I? I mean, this can’t possibly be heaven.”

“Yes, Tamara. This is it. This is your version of heaven. You made it. Nice work,” she gleamed.

“So I didn’t dream this up. I didn’t make it through the surgery, did I?” I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. It was like I had forgotten how. I looked off into the distance, wishing so badly that I could stay here forever.

“No, no. You’re just here to see me for awhile. I have missed you.”

We sat there in silence for a few minutes, just taking in the beauty of this place. She must have known what I was thinking.

“Everyone’s heaven is different,” she continued. “We will share this one, someday. In the meantime, thank you for becoming the compassionate person I always knew you had in you. Your heart has changed, Tamara. Keep giving- I promise you, you won’t be disappointed.”

I wanted to look at her face, but the sun had suddenly become so bright that I couldn’t make it out. I just wanted to sit there forever and take it all in. There were no words to even begin to describe what I saw and how I felt in that place.

“I love you, Tamara.”

I turned around, and in the blink of an eye, she was gone.