Lessons Learned & Lost

The Apprentice

Over the years, God and I have had many intense conversations. Usually though, He just listens as I complain and say stupid things. Over and over I have assessed my circumstances and have found myself wanting; to be missing a certain quality or lacking a crucial understanding that penetrates the surface of chaotic situations. So often, I’d find myself telling God that I just didn’t get it, that I didn’t understand. I’d ask Him repeatedly to teach me the lessons and skills I needed in order to make sense of such a troubling world. I’ve begged Him over and over, “God, grant me wisdom!” Be careful what you pray for, Dear Reader, because sometimes you get exactly what you want! From the beginning of my tutelage, the bitterness of my heart and the stubbornness of my mind have combined to form spiritual learning barriers. So much of what I needed to learn was laid out before me in a brutally honest and obvious manner, and yet for some reason I felt compelled to learn things the hard way. I needed to learn kindness and compassion, so I was plunged into a pitiless life of cruelty. I had to grasp the necessity of gentleness, so I was bruised by violence. I needed to appreciate the power of joy, so I was shadowed by The Destroyer and stalked by The Sadness. I needed to know the truth about addiction, so I became addicted. The value and security that comes with stability was taught to me by homelessness and hunger. I had to learn to trust, so I was abandoned and rejected, lied to and betrayed. Patience was obtained by wandering in wastelands and wildernesses, and by loitering in the tiny cells of prisons and the still smaller cells of my head. And Love: Love, Dear Friend, is something that I have but an inkling of, and am still struggling to fathom and embrace. What a difficult and beautiful lesson love has been so far and I wonder where it may lead as I continue my walk with God. But in the mean time, just knowing that it is real; that it does exist, is enough to keep me excited about what the Lord has in store. So often in my life I have learned the wrong things or have learned the right thing the wrong way. I have adopted erroneous philosophies, exemplified terrible examples, and have out right gotten things wrong. But because of God’s Grace, He has not allowed me to be content with mistaken doctrines. For every deceptive belief, He has thrown a pebble at my heart. He gets my attention. He tugs at my very soul and won’t leave me alone until I seek a better way. His way. So I’ve had to un-learn lessons and abandon foolish misconceptions and idiotic ideals. I’ve had to relinquish and re-learn. I’ve had to let go of the bitterness and stubbornness, and rummage through my beliefs and all that I thought I understood. Finally, Friend, I’ve come to conclusions that at last allow me to sleep peacefully at night. So much of my life has been spent learning and un-learning fallacies and deceptions. So often I’ve come close to ruin because of my mistakes. But all the while, Dear Reader, the Lord was close. He never once left my side during my journeys through lessons learned and lost, and because of His boundless well of Grace, I shall forever remain His apprentice!

Awake or asleep, and often against our will,
We are schooled by the agonies of life and knowledge is instilled.
Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip goes the pain.
Splashing upon our hearts and seeping into our veins.
With all the mercy of a firing squad,
Wisdom comes to us by the awesome Grace of God.

The Sadness
The Sadness continuously stalks me.
It lurks around every bend.
It distorts my every perception, And disguises me from my friends.
It weighs heavily upon me
Like an anvil on my chest.
It crushes and it smothers me. It’s a dark and bitter test.
The Sadness is never far away.
It stays well within my reach.
It’s an uninvited guest who stays
And drains me like a leech.
The Sadness is a sickness.
I feel ill and slightly crazed.
It’s a stubborn and selfish parasite;
One unwilling to be swayed.
What am I to do with this sneaky, little stalker?
I don’t want depression or The Sadness any longer.
Lord, give me another serving of Your ultimate Grace.
Place peace in my heart and put a smile on my face!

For the longest time I was oppressed by what I believed.
I thought I was the toxic fruit of a poisoned tree.
I thought I was the fading light of a burned out star.
I felt I was the splintered glass of a broken jar.
I believed with certainty that I was a product of my past
And that the toxins of my youth would forever last.
So I wandered in all directions going nowhere fast.
Half truths and twisted philosophies crushed me in their hardened casts.
I was slowly dying. Being bled by an invisible blade
Until the day the Truth hit me like a hand grenade.
The mettle of my heart is not forged by another’s hand.
And my destiny is my own to shape, mold, and command.
While the past is permanent, the future is unwritten
And I can choose to abandon a life that was once cold and snake-bitten.
Yes, my youth was influenced by people who were sick, hurt, and life-beaten
But new life can emerge from the fruit that was toxic and worm-eaten.
Oh yes! My life is my own and the future is up to me.
Behold a new creature because the Truth has set me free!