You Are My Sunshine

I was coming round, couldn’t open my eyes yet but I could hear people around me talking. Then I hear Tim’s voice. I had to hear what they were saying. The voice next to me said “Does she know?” know what, what was I supposed to know? Then Tim was there again I could feel him there. He asked them if I was coherent enough to hear him. Now I had to open my eyes, I knew Tim needed to say something, and he was not himself. I opened my eyes and there was Tim in my view. He had been crying or if not crying he had those red eyes as if he was holding back. “Where’s my baby, what did we have?” I had loads of questions to ask him but those two where the first that came through my lips. “Hun, we had a little girl, but she didn’t make it.” No, this is not supposed to happen, pregnancy means baby. I heard screaming, I wasn’t there it wasn’t happening to me. It was a while before I realised the screaming was coming from me. It was me who was howling, I could not stop myself. Tim was holding my hand now and trying to give me a hug to comfort me. I had a mask on my face and I wanted it off, it felt like I was being smothered. With Tim close by they took us back to the room we had in the labour ward when we had come in three nights previously. For a while there were people running around us checking this wire and that wire, this drip and that bag. I didn’t recognise any of the midwives; all I wanted was my mum. If mum was there she would make me feel like that child again and this would never have happened to us. Tim did not want to leave me but sadly someone had to make those phone calls that everyone was waiting for. For the first time in our lives we were alone together. I knew Tim had to make those calls but I didn’t want him to have to be alone either. Tim went outside to call all the people on the list, though the list had suddenly been shortened the obvious needed to be done. Tim first rang my parents and spoke to my mum, they were on their way. Then he ran his parents, my mother-in-law was totally shocked and all she said was “That happened to us”. Suddenly Tim was not only grieving for his daughter but finding out that he had a sister too. He made the duty phone calls to the immediate friends and left them to call around to other friends. By the time Tim came back up to the room he was exhausted from trying to tell people without breaking down himself. The typical man trying to stay strong, but that isn’t Tim. He is not that hard man; he is a loving gentle man. We spent some time talking about all the calls he had made. Whilst we were chatting and crying a midwife came in. She had two photos of our daughter. We had decided to give her the name which we had chosen for a girl, Heulwen, Welsh for ‘sunshine’. The midwife asked us if we wanted to see the photos, of cause I did, I wanted to see and hold her. The midwife went and got Heulwen to bring her to us. We held and cuddled her. I held her so tight I didn’t want to give her back. If I will it surely she would come back to me. It just couldn’t be real. I had followed all the rules of pregnancy, what did I do wrong? I couldn’t stop the tears. All the last nine months were for this moment. The moment that every parent enjoys. The holding of my daughter, but my daughter didn’t cry, she didn’t move. She was just so cold, perfect in every way, but silent.