Even Me

Introduction Reading my Bible and praying is something that I have always been encouraged to do. Yet still there were times when praying was too painful and reading my Bible was just foreign to me. One year I asked my mother for a parallel Bible for Christmas so that I could have gained a better understanding of what I was reading. I would always take detailed notes in church and then go back to review the sermon However, if I needed to refer back to the Bible, I wanted to have the same understanding as other “church folks” seemed to. I started to concentrate on one book in the bible, two scriptures in particular, that I have been self drawn to and called my own. Proverbs 3: 5-6 (KJV). “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” That scripture has become the story of my life to this day, consisting of a series of ups and downs and emotional roller coasters from an early age until now. Growing up without a father whose blood I carry has left a scar that MAC, Covergirl and Maybelline couldn’t cover up and even Mederma, Neosporin and band-aids couldn’t heal. This void was so deep that if it was not cleansed with forgiveness, every now and then, it might have destroyed me. Thank God that His timing is different compared to our timing. As a child, I used to envy how my classmates would talk about the things that their dads had done or made promises to do for them. Those were the days when I wished that I could walk in their shoes and not my own. I wanted my story to be similar to theirs. It was then that I was introduced to a feeling called emptiness. It’s amazing how doctors can find remedies and medications for nausea, headaches, colds, and the flu but can’t find anything for emptiness. I’ve always been puzzled when certain medicines require you to coat your stomach before taking them to eliminate adverse reactions. What happens when you don’t have an appetite? Or can’t keep food down and are literally running on “empty” but need the medicine? It’s sad to say, that I carried this feeling of emptiness around with me for 33 years. Knowing there’s a better way, medicine for my soul but not able to coat my stomach so I could digest the medicine my God had prescribed. Travel with me down memory lane for just a few minutes. It was in college when I thought that I had found “the one.” The sweet stories were so on point that skipping class was a norm. Listening to those sweet stories and abandoning what I knew was right led me to become a single parent at age 20. There I was a junior in college and I had to make a decision that would cause me to slow down or speed up. About four years ago I was given a CD by a woman at church; she told me “this is exactly what you need to hear.” The CD was “Elect Lady” by Bishop Eddie Long. I thought what is an “Elect Lady” and why would she consider me one? First, I looked at her crazy because first of all, why would she give me, of all people this CD? What words could Bishop Eddie Long say that would pertain to me? So much so that she thought I needed to hear it. Later that night I went home, put my headphones on, transitioned into a receptive mode and listened to a sermon that would ultimately come to change my life. The words flowed from Bishop Eddie Long’s mouth as if he was standing right in front of me. He spoke about life’s interruptions, why God had elected you to do things that other people can’t handle. But most importantly, he spoke about grace, mercy, peace and favor. The words were so profound, powerful and on point that I could not wait to share the CD with my mother. After she listened to it, we found ourselves constantly in battle over the CD, and sometimes slipping it away from one another. Both of us heard things that pertained to our lives as women and mothers. Bishop Eddie Long stated “that until you accept what God has called you to do, you will never have a day of peace;” I decided after I listened to it 7 times, I must tell my story.