Born to be Damned
Tapestry of a Gay Man
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Webster defines a tapestry as a “heavy woven cloth with designs and pictures to be used as a wall hanging.” (Webster’s New World Dictionary, 1983)
Personifying that concept, the fabric of my being is a composite of genetics, religion and environment. Each aspect of the tapestry is a critical component to my evolution as a gay man. I share that evolution with you.
As a mid-western born child, I grew up in a world of loneliness, frustration and confusion regarding my sexuality. I felt isolated and often thought I was insane.
I remember such endearing terms as “fag”, “homo”, “queer”, “weirdo”, and “pervert” resounding through the social conversations in the straight world. High school and college were depositories for derogatory innuendos about gay men. “Fag” always referenced men.
As a child, I never knew gay descriptors would apply to me, but I knew their connotation was something unacceptable in our society.
At age four, I was stripped of emotional ties with my father only to be able to kiss him good-bye as he lay covered on his death bed.
I can still hear my mother calling me “big baby”, “cry baby” and “sissy”. She often asked me if I had lace on my panties or if I wanted “ninny” from her soft white breasts. I soon learned to hate female breasts. I was never a breast-fed baby.
As a young man, I lived in a world of torment in and among societal expectations, morally acceptable behaviors and structured religion.
I was born to Missouri Synod Lutheran parents of German and Polish backgrounds. I didn’t pick my religion or my genetics.
As a teenager, due to early religious training and social stigma, I surmised I was born to be damned.
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About the Book
Born to Be Damned is a nostalgic trip into one man’s past to examine the torment and humiliation he felt as his gay tapestry evolved into reality. Religion, environment, and genetics combined to ensure he fulfilled his destiny as a gay man. Life in the 1940s, 1950s, and 1960s was easy, the future predictable. America seemed as though it would endure forever. It was the age of innocence; however, certain social ills existed and were never discussed. Teenage pregnancy was a moral issue, and young pregnant girls often disappeared for nine months only to return as though nothing had happened. The shame was too great to bear. Being gay was a religious damnation punishable by everlasting death. No one discussed sexual orientation and gay people found themselves desolated, frustrated, and isolated. Suicide was often seen as the only way out. The focus of this book is to educate society about the genetic birthright of sexual orientation and to dispel many of the gay myths that permeate our society today. This exhilarating story is intended for gay or straight readers who are trying to come to terms with their own sexuality or who have painful childhood memories overshadowing their lives. Read, connect, and find yourself in this moving story of courage and fortitude. Follow the life of a small Midwestern boy who struggles with his sexual orientation and tries to find his place in a world of hatred, prejudice, and misunderstanding. Added to the misery of a confused sexual orientation is the boy’s mother who ruthlessly strips her son of masculinity and the father he loved so dearly. In addition, learn how the boy’s name became a life-long curse he had to fight daily to preserve his sanity. You won’t believe how he suffered from a choice he never made for himself. Enter the world of one tormented soul who led two lives as a means of physical and emotional survival. Let the righteous hurl the first stone to stamp out the gay beast. Judge not, lest ye be judged. Read and find the truth. The age of innocence is gone forever.
About the Author
B.A. Buttz is a retired educator who lives in Decatur, Illinois, a small Midwestern town located in the heartland of central Illinois. He was a junior high school special education teacher, elementary school principal, and central administrator for the Decatur Public Schools for thirty-four years. He was a well-known educational consultant and public speaker for twenty years before his retirement in 2009. Mr. Buttz received numerous awards in the State of Illinois Those Who Excel program. B.A. received his bachelor of science degree in elementary education and special education from Illinois State University in Normal, Illinois, and his master’s in educational administration from the University of Illinois in Champaign, Illinois. B.A. is a three-time cancer survivor and nearly died in 2009 after becoming septic due to a double perforation of his colon from undergoing a routine colonoscopy. As a result of his near-death experience, he decided to share his life in order to assist others who might have difficulty accepting their sexual orientation or who have been emotionally, verbally, or physically abused in any way. B.A. was married for thirty-three years and has two children, one granddaughter, and another grandchild on the way. He and his partner, Bill, have been together for twenty-five years and fulfill their passion of rescuing dogs. Twenty-eight paws reside in the comfort of Bill and B.A.’s home.