Spirit Unbroken

Excerpt - Chapter 20 In the texture and time of Abby’s everyday world, there were invisible holes that invariably led to experiences she could not fathom. And because each experience was encapsulated and stored beyond her capacity to recall, she could not predict or avoid the unspeakable falls. She ran across the grass, sat at the dinner table, and woke up to the same rising sun as her friends, never knowing when she would be faced with the grim realities of another bottomless pit. In this place with no sides or boundaries, with no compassion or connection, only her five senses held her shattering world together. Even these worked in extremes. She rarely knew the landscape of her abuse, but often saw a particular item with vivid, imprinting clarity. Her body would feel nothing or a single, excruciating sensation would demand her complete attention. Abby’s nose picked up a scent that would direct her actions, choices, and feelings for the rest of her life or it closed down completely. This place of trauma was most often as silent as a tomb, except for those moments when moans echoed along the ridges of her reason. And taste. When Abby’s mouth was unable to disguise her experience, she gagged, even vomited, but to no avail. Abby could not see the holes waiting around the corners of her days but, once she was there, powerlessness was king. Her body was the pawn, her sensibilities assaulted. When she was used, discarded, and tossed back into her everyday world, she was momentarily without reference points. But time had taught her how to cope. Stripped of an inner sense of self, Abby dressed in outside activities and associations. If there was a school assignment, she earned extra credit. When ballet was offered in the basement of Andy’s Café, she took the class. When her dad’s uniforms needed care, she ironed while watching The Dick Van Dyke Show. Abby didn’t care if she got A’s on her report card, she didn’t like arabesques or pliés, and she wasn’t asking for praise. Her needs came from a much deeper, life-sustaining requirement. Thrust from lascivious, cold power back into childhood, Abby warmed her innocence by being a good girl. She had a smile for everyone. She was helpful, kind, and thoughtful though she was never seeking approval. Her quest was reconciliation with her self. Abby was shaping her place in the world, not knowing what drove her choices.