Fictitious Love

PATHWAY TO FICTITIOUS Love~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Being a silent child with much to say and no one to really listen, writing became my outlet. Anywhere my mind took me I was willing to go there on paper. I wish I were keeping a journal when our times together were sweet, when our love was real but the memories are forever present. By the time I’d started writing, he had my mind gone. Our entire relationship was spiraling out of control. I continued to fall deeper into love, deeper into depression. I was in high school when I noticed him. After I so boldly captured his attention, I loved him fast and strong and he loved me back. We would steal time while his girlfriend was working. He’d come see me after school with the widest Cheshire grin. I’d smile while he did handstands until his face was red, I was impressed. I would go as far as he took me and was never afraid. I would have followed him anywhere. We would take long rides to absolutely nowhere, just riding, loving for the moment, forgetting about that nonentity in his life. I loved him and he loved us both. I was forcing him to choose but I understood his plight. She was older and could offer him things that would take me years to acquire. I came only with love and eventually lost him to her and then to every women with means. He was my first love, second to none. The son of an African American father and a Caucasian mother, his skin was the most perfect tan you can imagine. He stood about five eleven. His face perfectly framed with dark brows and brown eyes in which I could see the depths of eternity and peace. His lashes were long making it hard to determine if his eyes were opened or closed. Usually clean shaven, he sometimes donned a goatee for me, my kryptonite. That made him even more appealing. His nose was prominent and with the sweetest lips perfectly placed and his smile penetrated my being. He was young and selfish, having no idea how to receive what I was so willingly trying to give him. I remember him telling his friends I was easy. What he failed to realize was that I chose him. I watched him for months. In the neighborhood or wherever I had the chance to look at him, doing chores or whatever, I did. I eventually sent the neighborhood little boys to let him know who I was and that I wanted him. I was trying to make this as easy as possible and I knew I loved him from the very start. My friends all told me he was a bad boy that had gotten in trouble with the law and I shouldn’t dare talk to him. Nothing they said mattered; I just knew I had to be near him. The cheating. The love, despite the deception and lies. The pregnancy and the reality of it all was more than he was willing to bear. Our son, Angel was almost two when Roman left our lives for good. After some time, my journal entries no longer included him. He became my past tense. I kept my love for him tucked away in a safe place. I will admit to numerous sex episodes with willing young men that could gain little more than entry. It didn’t take long for me to realize that sex had absolutely nothing to do with love. Long after he had left my life, I caught myself. I thanked God for giving me strength; I embraced life and continued on without him. It would be two and a half years before I was brave enough to test the waters.  Love was never the same again. On the following pages, I share my lessons in love with you. In my adult life, one thing I know for sure is that love has got to be the sweetest thing!!!!