Happily Ever After Combat

If you are reading this book while your spouse is deployed, it would be wise for you to begin implementing some of the concepts from the previous chapter. But don’t worry! If your spouse has already returned, and you don’t feel that your communication was good during the deployment, this can be addressed and worked on together now. All you need is a commitment that you want to get to know each other again and that you want to have a wonderful, close relationship with one another.

I don’t believe that deployments cause marital problems, as very often there are problems before the deployment and the stress simply magnifies those things. I do know that practicing the concepts from these chapters throughout your marriage, regardless of your deployment cycle, can turn many things around and make a relationship more positive and able to withstand the hardships that will inevitably come along.

When we got the news that Brian would be returning, we were completely ecstatic, anxious, relieved, and even a little nervous. We learned that there would be an opportunity for us to meet him at the base gym immediately after the buses arrived. As it turns out, this happened to be in the middle of the night, approximately an hour and ½ away from our home, so we stayed in a hotel by the base that evening anxiously awaiting the phone call. Getting the children to sleep that night was quite a challenge! When we received the call, we put on our clothes, I re-did my hair and make-up (of course…it had been a long time since we saw each other), and we headed to the gym along with many other families, children, and troops.

What an amazing night that was! The rock music was loud and the simulated smoke was released as our heroes ran into the gym for the final formation of the deployment. The audience was screaming, laughing, smiling, crying, and absolutely numb- all at the same time. It was the day that we had been counting down for 342 days, and it had finally arrived!

After hugs, kisses, crying, and celebration, our family headed home.

On the drive home from the base, I noticed the first of many strange occurrences that would continue to arise for us over the course of the next few months. His driving! After driving in Iraq for one year, my husband was apparently used to something very different than was required on rural Texas roads. The evasion tactics and speed changes that are so necessary when there may be people trying to blow up your vehicle aren’t typically needed here, and aren’t particularly effective against deer and other things we might see very early in the morning.

The racing over bridges, stopping and starting, and his death grip on the steering wheel were just the beginning of the number of changes that I would continue to see in my husband. Where every bone in my body wanted to scream out for him to stop the car, I somehow found the voice to say “honey….is everything ok? There isn’t anyone else on the road right now- you can relax a bit”. While he did not take it as nicely as I had hoped, and the result of that encounter was still a little tense, the realization once again hit me that MY service was not over. I also knew from past experience that it would not be for some time. My husband needed me, and would continue to need me to help him readjust in a patient and loving manner.

I believe that this is a key concept for the military family. We must realize that the “tour” may be over, but the “tour of marriage” is just beginning again. Generally most things are so much better when he is home, but there are many differences too. While many of us inherently resist change (even good change), I had to learn that different does not mean that something is bad. The driving can be changed rather quickly, but other actions and feelings may take some time.

Remember that things will not ever be exactly the same….but they CAN be better.