Living Life

“Lincoln,” I look into his eyes as he quoted the very sentimental song. He began to breathe on my neck and nibbled on this sensitive spot behind my ear. Oh my word, it is too easy for him to kiss me in all the right places. “I…”

My body responds to his advances and I feel it yield to his with a flutter in the pit of my stomach. Wow, he makes me so weak. Kenny Lattimore was singing to me and I started reminiscing instead of focusing on what I needed to accomplish.

The fact is I do remember that night and so many other nights that repeatedly made me love him more and more. But, I loved the man I remember from before his deployment. He is not the same frat guy I met in the library to study “anatomy.” He is not the same person who wanted to be with me. He is the cat who I will never say “I do” to. I know better.

“I only want to make you happy. All I want to do is love you, Dana. It’s never my intention to hurt you,” he whispered in my ear. I exhaled and pulled closer to him. I pleaded for this to be real but I knew this would be short lived. God I wish I could chance it. He wiped away my escaped tear, then kissed my cheek. “I wish I could take you back to Paris and kiss you under the Eiffel Tower.”

“Lincoln,” I closed my eyes as I fought temptation. I put my hand between his hand and my body. Make up your mind, Dana! Stick to the new plan: break up, don’t have break-up sex, and just keep it movin’. The sex and this toxic relationship are not worth losing out on something special with a great guy who is a sure thing. You are too grown to be dealing with this madness. I should have listened and not give in.

He whispered, “Just let me know whether or not we are doing this? I’ve been ready to make you mine. I’m ready to make a commitment.”

Surprised, I quickly pulled away. Here I am trying to break up with him and he is trying to go the other direction with a serious commitment. Enough! I need to call it quits right now. I felt his touch become aggressive.

“I’m not, Lincoln. I cannot do this with you. You and I, were aren’t those two lost folks in college anymore. Things aren’t the same anymore and they haven’t been for a long time. I’m so sorry but it’s over, Lincoln. We know this so let’s wish each other well and go our separate ways.”

The intensity of the pressure on my hand and the look in his eye made me snap back into reality. His grip tightened around my wrist. “Ouch, Lincoln! This is why it’s not same. We are through!” His tone changed when I took away my hand. “It’s over!”

Moving rather quickly, I got up and left the table. I didn’t turn back when he called my name.

I rushed over to the lounge when ending a phone conversation with Ange. While she lashed out about someone who called her today, Ange helped me out in between my male encounters. She is well aware of the saga between Lincoln and me. She understands the depth of our relationship and my difficulties with letting him go but insists that I do.

I can hear her say, ‘you can love him, but you must leave him alone.’ It was hard for her to say it since we are both indebted to him. We were a force to be reckoned with in college and was bonded by our experience. As always, she was helpful in calming me down and reminding me that this separation was for the best.

In my mind I knew it, but the message hadn’t made it to my heart yet. It’s not easy to vacate a man who has been a resident in my heart for the last 15 years. I needed to listen to the voice of reason, and right now, she was that voice. My body still trembled, and I was a bit shaken. Like she, I reassured myself, ‘Dana, you did what you needed to do!’

“I was starting to believe that you weren’t going to make it, Dana,” Derek said. He stood up to pull out my chair and welcomed me with a warm smile and kiss on the cheek. I embraced him and tried to relax into this feeling before letting go. What was that look he gave me? “I’m glad you’re here.”

“I am sorry to keep you waiting. I had a run in with someone.” He didn’t say a word, but it was obvious that he knew what I had gotten myself into. Between us, there was only a little tension. I can’t blame him since he is always prompt and that my attention has been divided, but he was determined to get my mind focused on him.

We were welcomed to The Chocolate Room by Xavier, the waiter. This place is for the ultimate chocolate lover. From chocolate dipping sauce for wings to chocolate salad croutons, this is definitely a unique dining experience. Derek wanted to try it before it closed down. I ordered a glass of their recommended wine. Though he was already drinking his signature Scotch, Derek chimed in requesting two glasses.

Right before the neo-soul band started to wind down, and I tried to do the same. Derek grabbed my hand and ushered me out to the floor for a quick sway. Derek loves to dance and romance me and at the moment, I am struggling being in the moment with him. I secretly gave myself a pep talk, closed my eyes, and enjoyed both the aroma of chocolate and this nice-smelling man. Dana, let him go, and look before you.

“Dana, are you okay?”

I nodded. I declined his offer to leave right then and brushed off further inquiry. He paused before saying, “You look wonderful in that dress. It’s my favorite on you.”

It was one of my favorite date dresses, a midnight-blue baby doll with straps hanging off the shoulders. I knew that I looked great, but I wasn’t feeling it. My quick shower didn’t help wash off those Lincoln blues. Listening to music on my way didn’t help at all in uplifting my mood. I know Ange tried to reassure me, but I was hoping that D.C. could cheer me up.

“Thank you. You are looking quite dapper yourself,” I said convincingly. He let out his deep belly laugh and smiled at me. Boy, do I love a man with dimples. I find myself thinking ‘I can’t wait to fall in love with him’. This is exactly where I need to be right now—thanks, D.C.!

“Dapper—you and your words. And it’s thanks to your beautiful birthday gift to me that I look sharp and dapper in this fine, tailored suit,” he said. He guided me back to the table just in time for our drink delivery. “I am glad to see you. Before I forget, thanks again for accompanying me to the mayoral prayer breakfast yesterday.”

He kissed my hand before leaning in to give me a kiss. “How was your day?”

“It was productive,” I said, trying to get in sync with him. I smiled at him and took a deep breath. “It went okay; I got a lot done. What about you?”

“I had a few meetings this morning, spent the rest of the day getting a few court cases off of my docket. Ron and I ran to the lake and got a game of ball in before I came over here.”

“Good. Sounds like you had a great day.”

“Yes, I always do. I am having a great night, too.”

“Already?” I asked. He smirked and nodded as if he had a secret.

“Already! Most definitely,” he said. I must have given myself away because the next thing you know he asked, “So Dana, may I ask, what happened before you came here?” He said swirling around the ice in the glass. He notices my vibes very well.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you had that look like you ran into a certain someone.” I sighed. I wanted to forget about Lincoln. I flagged my hand, shook my head as if I was shooing him away like a fly from this topic, and downed the rest of his MacAllan 18. It went down smooth.

“I did. Can we talk about something else?”