Happy As Larry

Strange things happen, when you work in an office. It was ten minutes to twelve o’clock on a Tuesday lunchtime, when the normally quiet chap sitting at the next desk to me yelled, jumped from his chair and rushed from the office. John returned half an hour later and sat down, but I had meetings all afternoon and no chance to ask him what had happened. The next day I felt compelled to ask what had occurred on Tuesday. He seemed quite embarrassed, but explained that he had suddenly realised that it was his wife Estelle’s birthday that day and he was in big trouble. Now, Tuesday was early closing day in our area and all shops shut at twelve noon, so I felt even more compelled to ask what he had bought for his wife. It was a ghastly story. ‘I drove top speed to the precinct and all the shops were shutting. I burst into Woolworth as they were trying to close the door and grabbed the first thing I saw.’ ‘Chocolates?’ I enquired. ‘Er, no,’ he replied. ‘Well what? A book, flowers, a plant? What?’ Sheepishly, he mumbled, ‘An Airfix kit.’ ‘What!’ I exclaimed. ‘What sort of kit was it? What does it make?’ ‘A battleship.’ ‘You cannot be serious. What did she say?’ ‘She just cried.’ 'Happy or sad?’ ‘Sad.’ A few months later, John and Estelle threw a party with the theme ‘horrors and hookers’. If you are unfamiliar with this, then the man is most likely to come dressed as something horrible and the woman as a prostitute. You always get one couple where she comes as the horror and he dresses as either a lady of the night or a rugby player. We like a good party and always make an effort to concoct a realistic costume. Ruth found it quite easy with a mini-skirt and plunging neckline, but I probably went a bit over the top. I had an ugly facemask, a long ginger wig and a humped back covered in a vile old brown blanket. The hosts’ front door was opened by a female guest, dressed as a hooker. She took one look at me, screamed and ran into the kitchen, genuinely scared. Well, apart from me, the greatest effort made by any man was a pair of plastic Dracula teeth, so I stuck out like a sore thumb! When things calmed down a bit and I removed the hump and mask, there was some slow dancing in the lounge. Fortunately, I found myself with Estelle. I just could not let that story of the birthday present rest, I’m afraid. ‘What happened to the Airfix battleship?’ I enquired. ‘Oh, I’ve nearly finished it,’ she smiled. ‘Just some painting to complete plus the stickers to apply.’ For once I was lost for words